I wanted to start this page to share the positive things about my journey....but to also share my whole story which is also full of doubt, insecurity, & emotion.  Infertility is full of so many ups and downs, a true roller coaster of emotions is the easiest way to explain it.  I wouldn't be "real" if I didn't share everything I felt, even on the worst of days.  

I'm finding it extremely hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel the past couple days.  I'm not sure what's going on, but I just can't seem to find that my glass is half full.  I'm starting to feel like nobody understands me, nobody knows what I'm going through, and no matter how much I explain what I'm feeling (until I'm blue in the face and tears are streaming down my cheeks) nobody really gets me.  Even though I'm physically not alone, I feel so alone......stranded on this island and there's no hope of survival on it.  It's starting to make me wonder if I'll always feel this way, if I'll always have to have the fake smile like internally nothing is wrong.  Then I realize.....this months cycle is finally taking it's toll on me, and I'm beginning to wonder if we'll ever be blessed with the one thing we're trying to achieve here, or if we're spending all this time, money, and emotion on false hope.  This wednesday is the day when we find out if our latest fertility cycle has worked or not, and I'm trying with all that I can to not feel that we're out yet again, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't.  Nobody wants to get their hopes up to have the door slammed in their face yet again.  This is all odd because last week I was so optimistic, I felt grounded, I felt like good things were happening.  This week I feel as though that the rug I was standing on was ripped right out beneath me as if it were an illusion all along.....as if it were never there to begin with and I'm being told I'm crazy to think it ever was.  

I read an article about another couple struggling infertility, and the wife wrote her husband a letter where she states to him, "I feel like we are in the same boat, but I am doing all of the rowing while you are enjoying the scenery.  Or I am the one on the front lines taking all of the hits and when I turn around to look for you, I see you standing there, just hanging back, cleaning your gun and not worrying about all of the bullets flying through the air.  It is as if we are in a burning house together. And the two of us are running in different directions, bumping and tripping into each other.  I’m screaming to hurry and get out, while you stop to make a sandwich and sip on a tall glass of tea."  This article in it's entirety hit me pretty hard.  I thought to myself, "Thank goodness I'm not the only one that feels this way.....".  Even though I'm not alone, the fact of the matter is that I do feel alone sometimes during my cycle, especially towards the end.  Like I'm ashamed of admitting that my doubt is overcoming me, and I feel like I can't tell a soul that I'm giving in to the fact that another cycle is approaching us and I'm going to have to begin this all over again.  It's like a slow moving rickety carnival ride that I'm not allowed to get off of, just hang on and go another time around while my husband is standing on the sidelines waving as I go by.  It's hard to grasp that even though I'm the one with all of the doctor appointments, the needles, the probes, the conversations full of the tone of voice from the nurse that feels sorry for me delivering constant bad news month after month......that my spouse is going through this with me.  I think I forget this fact quite a bit. 

Now at this very moment when I'm feeling all of these things.....the doubt, the insecurity, the being alone, feeling like nobody understands me or the situation I'm in.....I HAVE to also think that there could be this tiny little miracle growing inside of me RIGHT NOW.  So in order to try to gain some comfort I need to snap out of it, and jump off the wagon of negativity and search for something positive.  I found a Pinterest board this morning that was a little helpful to me..... it helped to realize that I'm not the only one feeling this way at this very exact moment.  There are so many other women and couples out there trying to stay positive when they too also feel defeated.  
https://www.pinterest.com/resolve/infertility-support-and-inspiration-board/

I think I need to focus on the understanding that what we are going through is not easy, or an situation to be taken lightly.  There are so many things that I wasn't aware of or prepared for, but I'm trying to remain calm, level headed, and positive.....but some days I let my negative self get the best of me.  All I can try to do moving forward is to try a little harder in finding that my glass really is half full.

I thought about this for quite sometime before I actually made the decision to begin to type this entry.  I came across an article that seemed to hit the nail right on the head on the topic.  There's no easy way to try to explain the emotions when someone who's never walked in your shoes begins to give you advice.  Family, friends, & acquaintances all have questions, comments, & opinions.....and I sometimes find myself nodding and fake smiling at the things that they say - wishing that the conversation would just be over already.  I mean....I get it, most of the time what they say aren't meant to be hurtful or malicious.  I'm bringing this up mainly because it's something that most infertile beings struggle with when we share our own story.  I guarantee if you're a person struggling with infertility, you have had the moment where someone makes a comment that makes you cringe inside, makes your head want to explode, and you begin to think how ignorant they are for saying it.  You instead politely try to smile and nod your head, but they don't fully understand the impact that it's having on you.  Those awkward moments seem to add up at a rate that compares to the nations deficit....well maybe not that quick, but you get the point.

One thing that fertile beings need to understand about people who struggle with infertility, is that they've become a little bit more soft inside....a little bit more sensitive.  This can be because of so many issues.....the additional hormones one is taking, the negative result at the end of a cycle as months or even years go on, the shame that they put on themselves because they can't fulfill the one thing that they want so bad - to give their spouse a child.  Let's not forget the wear and tear that it takes on our emotions, our body, and our bank accounts.  

Let's share some examples of what I'm talking about:

“You need to relax. All that stressing is causing your infertility.”
Everyday stress does not cause infertility. A large study published looked at 3,000 women, from 10 different countries, found that high levels of emotional distress before a treatment cycle did not negatively affect the outcome. In other words, feeling stressed out doesn’t prevent your infertile friend from getting pregnant. You may also want to consider what came first – the stress or the infertility. Your infertile friend probably wasn’t stressed out about getting pregnant until she discovered it wasn’t happening the way it should.

“But you’re so young! You have plenty of time to get pregnant.”
Not always so. Being young doesn’t make you immune to infertility, and time is not always on your side. While being younger usually increases the chances of fertility treatment success, it doesn’t always, and it never guarantees success.  Know the facts. It’s recommended that women under 35 see a fertility specialist after being unable to conceive for one year. 

“Whatever you do, don’t give up. It’ll happen.”
I know this seems like a reassuring thing to say, but unfortunately it isn’t. One problem with this is it makes it sound inevitable that things will work out in the end. The truth is they may not. Being told, “Don’t worry, it’ll happen,” tends to be translated internally as, “Stop complaining because it’s not a big deal anyway.” The other problem with this statement is it implies “giving up” isn’t an option. But deciding to stop treatment, or even deciding not to pursue treatments at all, is sometimes exactly what a couple needs to do.

“Just adopt!”
Adoption can be a wonderful option for some couple, but it’s not a decision that should be made lightly. Suggesting adoption in a flippant way ignores the financial and emotional costs of adoption. Also, adoption is not always possible. There’s an application and approval process to adopt a child, and not everyone who wants to adopt will pass the screening process. Also, adoption doesn’t take away the pain of being unable to have a biological child, so offering the option as a comfort doesn’t usually go well. Adoption doesn’t replace having biological children, but is instead another way to build a family.

“Trust me, you’re lucky you don’t have kids!”
Infertile couples aren’t clueless. Who hasn’t been seated at a restaurant next to a loud, messy family? Or endured a long plane ride next to a screaming baby?  We know babies cry and puke. We know children are messy and loud. We know our lives will change drastically when we have kids. Please don’t downplay our loss by making your blessing sound more like a curse.

“Maybe you’re not meant to be parents.”
This one’s my personal favorite – it really hurts, but if this were true, then how can anyone explain why truly bad and even abusive parents manage to have children? Being qualified for the job is clearly not required. No one knows why bad things happen to good people. Please don’t play God by telling us why we haven’t conceived.


Take these things into consideration as well:

1. Don't tell them to relax. Comments such as "just relax" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
2. Don't minimize the problem. Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. 
3. Don't say there are worse things that could happen. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Different people react to different life experiences in different ways.
4. Don't ask why they are not trying IVF. Because most insurance plans do not cover IVF treatment, many are unable to pay for the out-of-pocket expenses. Infertility stress is physical, emotional, and financial.
5. Don't complain about your pregnancy (or children for that matter). For many facing infertility, it can be hard to be around other women who are pregnant. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Not complaining can make things a little easier for your friend. 
6. Don’t assume the infertility is female factor. 1/3 of infertility is female factor, 1/3 is male factor, and 1/3 is unexplained.

Now, after all of that.....I want to explain something further.  Please know that I'm not broken, I'm not an emotional wreck (all the time), and nobody should have to feel like walking on egg shells around me when the topic comes up - after all I like to share my journey.  All of the above doesn't mean that you can't ask me questions or give comments and/or opinions.  I'm just trying to educate those that don't know.....these things aren't easy to hear and certainly don't help my situation at all.  I'm simply just trying to create a family of my own, and unfortunately it's not happening as easy as it does for others, and that alone is enough emotional stress then one needs.  Please know that when you have good news of a pregnancy, a birth, or even sweet stories about your little ones - I do love to hear these things.  However I can't help my own emotions inside, & asking the higher being above us all "why not me?" at the same time.  I can only ask for you to try to imagine yourself in my shoes as tough as that may be.  Emotional times do happen....and sometimes I may lose grip on what the point of this journey for me may be, but I'm not walking it alone.