Waiting On Our Miracle
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National Infertility Awareness Week 4/21-27

4/24/2019

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I'm a little late on this post - NIAW started 3 days ago.  However Mother Nature threw a wrench into my week by sending Aunt Flow my way (and at the start of NIAW - ironic?).  This was my first cycle since my miscarriage in January, and it has been quite possibly my worst cycle ever.  Not only physically, but extremely emotionally.  I'm still emotionally broken from the miscarriage, and I'm still trying to come to terms that my son will be an only child....no sibling(s), which makes me feel like I've forever failed him some way, as well as my husband.  I cried seeing my OB yesterday because the last time I saw him I was in that same office with my fetus in a little Tiffany box.  It made me uncomfortable to sit in a waiting room with so many expecting mothers and with their growing bellies waiting for the same doctor to perform checkups on their little ones.  I'm surrounded by pregnancy announcements (many of them being first time mothers with me when I was pregnant with Colton, and now they're moving forward expanding their family once more and I'm not able to).  It seems as though everyone around me is pregnant including some of my closest friends & even 3 of my neighbors.  I open social media every day and see all of the bellies growing, wishing it were my own.  Here's my point - even though I am a mother of a beautiful miracle, infertility is a disease that is not cured.  Colton was the first embryo of 6 that we had.  Our remaining 5 embryos are all now angel babies.  It's not just about having a miscarriage back in January, it's about not being able to have children anymore.  Infertility is an awful disease to fight.....and I'm blessed to have won a battle just once - his name is Colton, and he's our perfect little miracle.  However this doesn't erase all of my pain of loss that I've endured through infertility treatment before and after becoming a mother.

8 years, 100's of medications, 10 failed IUI's, 1 ectopic, 3 miscarriages, 1 egg retrieval, 6 beautiful embryos, 1 embryo transfer = our miracle Colton, 4 more embryo transfers, 1 more positive pregnancy test resulting in another miscarriage at 10 1/2 weeks in January 2019 with our very last embryo, an ocean of tears and heartache......giving up.  My infertility journey ends here, but SO many others journey is happening RIGHT NOW, or maybe it hasn't yet begun.  The fact is, we may have beat infertility, but it’s an incurable disease that effects every 1 in 8 couples.  15% of couples struggle to become a family…..15% - that’s a staggering number!  This means that you likely know someone struggling right now to conceive.  It’s not easy for everyone to get pregnant, and the heartache that comes with that is unbearable.  Speak up, ask questions, educate yourself on the topic.  To those on their own infertility journey right now – I’m talking to all you TTC Sisters, don’t give up!  You have more heart & soul then anyone I know.  You are so strong & amazing, keep up the good fight!  There’s a rainbow at the end of your tunnel…..just believe!

#infertilityuncovered
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Moving on after miscarriage...

3/22/2019

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On Jan 23rd, 2019, we suffered a miscarriage at 10 1/2 weeks along.  The loss was (and still is) devastating,  It was our final chance at adding one more to our family, using our last two embryos during our 5th and final round of IVF.  As the miscarriage was happening, I cried and prayed for God to change what was happening, but it was too late...our baby was already up there, playing with our other angels.

Here I am two months later, and I feel like I'm somewhat doing okay.  When I'm not at work, I've tried filling my time with hobbies or projects to keep from "feeling".  However, it's been hard to stay positive, focused, or just plain happy when life is still throwing cheap shots in my direction.  My mind has unconsciously built a wall between then and now, only sometimes keeping the sadness from seeping through.  I sometimes feel helpless, hopeless, numb, ashamed, and angry.....angry at God, angry at others who inflicted unwanted stress that led up to the loss.  I blame them, I blame myself, I blame my body for being "broken".  I feel like I've pushed the boundaries of infertility and got greedy to want one more child, and this was my punishment.  I feel like little things like birthdays, holidays, and other days to celebrate are really nothing to look forward to anymore - just days stolen away from once being special, just like our babies due date.  I feel sorry and sad for myself with each pregnancy announcement made, wishing it were my own.  I feel like I constantly have to be strong for my son, and not allow him to see me sad or cry.  I feel like he's the only reason I get out of bed each morning, or smile at all.  He is the single most important thing in my life who happens to call me "Mom", and for that I'm beyond blessed.

Miscarriage and/or child loss is unbearably hard.....harder this time then I could have ever imagined, and overwhelming to overcome.  I feel confused as to how long am I allowed to grieve.

So I invite you to give me advice....advice on how to heal.

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There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes

1/31/2019

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We were 10 1/2 weeks along when our miscarriage happened in the early hours of January 23rd. It's been 8 days now, and I still feel so empty. It's been a bit easier having Colton in our lives, but the fact that we lost another child has been utterly heartbreaking non the less.
I was on bed rest for a couple days due to bleeding. I was following doctors orders and taking it easy. The bleeding continued from about 7 weeks until the end, and would occur every few days without warning. I had a bleed the night of the 22nd, chat with the doctor who told me to rest, and went to bed early. Before I fell asleep, I used the heartbeat doppler to hear our sweet babies heart at approx. 830PM, I only fell asleep because hearing that sweet rhythm gave me peace of mind to sleep. I woke at about 2AM feeling uncomfortable and unable to go back to sleep....there was no pain, just lack of comfort. At approx. 330AM I got up to use the restroom, and that's when the unthinkable happened. Before I knew it, there was our child that belonged in my womb....in my hands. Our tiny little child had eyes, arms, legs, fingers, toes....a perfect little baby that no longer had life. I was in pure disbelief, I passed our child with little to no pain at all, how could this have happened? Why us - why again? I was at a loss for what to do - I certainly could not flush the fetus, I LOVE this child. I sat there hysterically crying, looking at this poor fetus that I once gave life to, and all I could do was apologize to our lifeless child. What did I do to cause this? What happened? I felt as though I wasn't thinking straight. After some time had passed, I was finally able to gain the courage to place the fetus into a ziplock bag, and then into a small Tiffany box to conceal the contents. I then sat in bed and waited for Colton to wake up. Once he was awake, I hugged him so tight and just cried. He kept saying "Mama sad" and hugged me over and over, this helped my heart more than I will ever know. I took Colton to daycare like nothing had happened, and then went directly to the doctor with the Tiffany box in my purse. I reluctantly gave my doctor the small blue box with the remains of a piece of my heart.
This was our final chance at adding another miracle to our family. I'm absolutely devastated and feel completely empty inside - not figuratively but physically empty. As a woman, carrying a child should be the most natural thing in the world, so when you feel like you can't do that properly, it's almost shameful
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For the past few days, I've been in a constant frenzy of purging all baby items. Everything we kept from when Colton was a baby in hopes of adding another miracle to our family, needs to go. I can't open a closet or go into a storage space in the house, and constantly be reminded of our loss. Besides beginning to purge baby items, I've been focusing on Colton's "big boy" room. We may not be able to create another nursery for a baby, but we can still create an amazing space for our amazing little miracle that does exist.
As our hearts begin to heal, we can't thank those enough who have reached out with so much love & support during this time - the meals, the flowers, the messages, all of the time spent just trying to keep our minds off of the sorrow for even just a few minutes......we can't thank you enough. We truly do have the most supportive family, friends, & neighbors.


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No more infertility treatment - EVER!

1/9/2019

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It has been an extremely hard road over the many years of infertility treatment, but it has finally come to an end for us.  I had my very last appointment with my fertility doctor yesterday, and finally “graduated” from infertility treatment for forever.  In a bitter sweet ending, I hugged my doctor & nursing staff goodbye with tears of joy & relief in my eyes.  Finally, after 8 years of treatment, it all now comes to an end, and the infertility chapter has forever been closed as of January 8th, 2019.  With no embryos left in frozen storage, we move onto the next chapter in our lives which is simply focusing on the future of our family.
We transferred our last two embryos, and only one survived.  We’re currently 8 weeks & 4 days pregnant, and cautiously optimistic that our future holds another miracle for our family.  It has been a long road to get to this point, and the road is far from short from here.  December 30th, I had a very big bleed and ended up in the ER thinking the worst had happened, and our last chance had been taken from us.  After hours of waiting, an ultrasound showed our sweet little one still had a strong heartbeat of 137 beats per minute (stronger then 3 days prior at 121 beats per minute).  Yesterday at my last fertility ultrasound, it showed 173 beats per minute which was great news. 
I know I’ve been quiet and haven’t shared as much this time around, but each time I’d feel confident enough in embracing this pregnancy, something would happen.  My HCG levels in the beginning were slow to rise - in my head I was devastated at the thought of this pregnancy not progressing.  A week later, we finally got to see the yolk sac & sac – finally some good news of development.  Another week later, we finally got to see our little miracle’s heartbeat – finally I thought I could embrace this pregnancy fully now, and don’t have to be scared anymore.  Then 3 days later we have a big bleed & land in the ER – immediately my head went to the worst possible place of devastation again, but a strong heartbeat was present, and an ultrasound shows everything is okay.  Then we have an ER after visit on the 4th which showed baby is fine – finally I can relax a little.  Then another ultrasound yesterday showed again baby is fine – I can relax now a little bit more.
Now we wait & hope.

Thank you to my wonderful neighbors who watched Colton while my amazing good friend drove me and sat with me all night and into the early AM hours in the ER.  I would not have survived the ordeal without each of you helping in a time of need.  I'm forever grateful to have such amazing people in our lives.

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Update on #2:

12/18/2018

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I’m not sure where to start because my mind is in so many places, but here are the facts that we’re currently aware of.  On December 10th, our 1st blood test confirmed pregnancy with an HCG pregnancy hormone level of 185.  This was a pretty good start (they're looking for anything between 50 & 100).  We are cautiously optimistic at this point.  The HCG level is to double every 2-3 days, so I was scheduled for another blood test on Wednesday the 12th, with results of the HCG at 323.  That’s a 74.6% increase, doubling every 2 days & 11.7 hrs which is considered normal.  Our feelings were very happy with this result!  Our 3rd blood test was on Friday the 14th, with results of the HCG at 500.  That’s only a 54.8% increase, doubling every 3 days 4.14 hrs, and considered lower than normal.  Learning this news, I was devastated that something was wrong and immediately started to think the worse.  They scheduled us for a 4th blood test Monday the 17th, with results of the HCG at 922.  The increase is good at 84.4%, but it’s taking 3 days 9.56 hrs to double and is considered lower than normal still.  So where do we go from here?  We are scheduled for an ultrasound for tomorrow the 19th, where they will check for the yolk sac.  The yolk sac is the first thing to become visible inside the gestational sac and appears 5.5 to 6 weeks gestational age (I’ll be 5 weeks 4 days).  So, basically at this point we wait.  If all looks good tomorrow, we wait some more, until December 27th for another ultrasound to check for a heartbeat.  It may not seem like a lot of waiting, but it feels like eternity.  Not having control or immediate answers is by far one of the hardest parts.  So that’s where we are at currently.  Hopefully I have good news to update soon.  Merry Christmas!

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It's not just about turkey.....

11/21/2018

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So much to be Thankful for…..
I’ve been a little silent since our ERA mock cycle deciding how to properly put into words my feelings.  In case it wasn’t apparent in my last blog post, I did not want to do that mock cycle.  The thought of another cycle with all the appointments, meds, and cost with possibly no outcome was a miserable thought.  In the end, we opted (me reluctantly) to do the ERA mock cycle.  It required everything that a normal frozen embryo cycle entails, and on day 20 we would do a biopsy instead of an embryo transfer.  What does this mean – well, you have a 3 day window on when your body is ready for the proper time for the frozen embryo transfer, on day 19, 20, or 21.  We were successful with Colton on day 20, so our doctor did a day 20 transfer in May with one embryo, and in July with two embryos – both failed which prompted our doctor to put the biopsy on the table to see if maybe we’re a day 19 or 21.  Our results – DAY 21!  I fought, didn’t want to do it, but in the end (WAIT FOR IT), my husband was right (do not ever tell him I said this LOL).  He wanted answers, a reason, and I get it – but it was my body going through another cycle for a “possible result” – in the end, I’m glad he pushed for it to happen.
So where do we go from here?  Well, I began my final embryo transfer cycle back in mid October, with all the appointments and medication.  Today, I had my FINAL blood & ultrasound appointment pre-frozen embryo transfer – my FINAL ONE EVER.  This is a very exciting moment, because we began this process 8 years ago this very month in 2010.  Our very last frozen embryo cycle will be next week on November 29th, using our very last two embryos.  The fertility portion of our journey comes to an end next week, and I can’t even wrap my head around that, because fertility has become a way of life for me on so many levels - physically & mentally.  Not having another fertility appointment, fertility treatment, or fertility payment due is a HUGE deal in our world.  I feel like I’m somehow going to lose a portion of who I am, but also gain a huge part of myself back as this chapter closes in our lives.
While we are hoping that our final embryo transfer ends in a positive pregnancy test, there’s also a chance that may not happen for us.  I can’t tell you how I’ll react come December 10th when we have our final pregnancy test, but I do now that I whatever happens we will be okay.  We will be okay because we are lucky enough to be blessed with one perfect miracle within this process, Colton.    We are thankful for medical science, our doctor, and nursing staff over the years for giving our son life and making it happen for us.  We are thankful for all the support over the last 8 years – 8 YEARS!!!  Many people reading this made IVF possible for us, and without IVF we wouldn’t have Colton in our lives.  We are thankful for every single one of you who have supported us over the years, kept up with the blog, or who have simply checked in to ask how things are.  Without all the support and encouragement, we may not have come as far as we have, we may not have Colton, and I just cannot picture that at all….life would be incomplete without him (understatement).
We hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday, and remember to be thankful for the little things.

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DAY ONE

10/11/2018

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I’ve been quiet for a while, but now that I’m finally on DAY ONE of my VERY LAST FERTILITY CYCLE EVER, I figured it’s time to share what we’ve been up to the last couple months.  After losing one embryo in May, and two in August, we knew we had only one more shot to use our last two embryos.  We decided to do a complete mock IVF cycle to perform an endometrial receptivity analysis (ERA).  This means that we just completed an entire cycle with all the doctor appointments, medication, & cost, but instead of an embryo transfer on a specific day, we did a biopsy called an ERA.  The ERA test helps avoid implantation failure by establishing the best day for embryo transfer using a biopsy sample of endometrial tissue.  It will determine if the endometrium lining is receptive or not at the time of sampling, by analyzing 248 genes involved in endometrial receptivity.  The ERA test can find the personalized window of implantation in case of displacement, and will allow a personalized embryo transfer.  WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?  Well in English:  The ERA test will inform us when my uterine lining is ready for the embryo transfer to take place – on day 19, 20, or 21.  Now our son Colton was successfully transferred on day 20, so my test has a high percentage of coming back as a day 20.  However, if it comes back a day 19 or 21, then we possibly know why our last two cycles failed.  I personally hope it’s a day 19 or 21 result, so I can have some sort of closure & understanding the loss of our three embabies in those cycles.

So now “day one” is finally here today, where do we go from here?  Tomorrow I have blood and ultrasound, and the cycle moves at a pretty slow pace from there.  Birth control begins on day three or four (so this Saturday or Sunday) and will last for 3-4 weeks.  Birth control is used to suppress follicle development, decrease the chances of creating cysts that would interfere with the cycle start, and allows the doctor to control the timing of the entire cycle.  The next step is to begin IVF meds (Lupron injections, estrogen patches & suppositories, progesterone injections & suppositories – sounds fun right?), which will then move on to an embryo transfer in early December (1st or 2nd week of).  So the cycle itself is approximately 60 days from start to embryo transfer, and then another 10-12 day wait for a pregnancy test.

My thoughts and feelings on going into our very last fertility cycle – it’s very bitter sweet.  Infertility treatment gave us Colton – he’s our miracle, and without treatment he would not be here with us.  However, we began this journey in 2011, and my body and mind have endured more than most people can possibly imagine.  So with that being said, I’m happy to be entering our very last cycle, and finally be able to move on to the next chapter in our lives when it’s over, whether the end result is another miracle or another heartbreak.  All I can do now is remain positive and hope for an addition to our family in December.

Quick update Mr. Colton Charles – Time sure does fly, he just turned TWO!  He’s has the most amazing personality, is always keeping us on our toes, always making us laugh (even when he gets in trouble), and melts our hearts with that big heart of his.  He’s learning so quickly, saying more words, & repeating things (which can be a little scary HAHA).  However, with the age 2, come the “terrible” parts also LOL.  He knows exactly how to push buttons, just the right time to throw a tantrum, and sometimes struggles with sharing with buddies, but we’re working on that.  He’s just a perfect little human and we love him so much.  We can’t wait to watch him grow more, even if some days we just want to freeze time so he’s this little forever. 

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What Matters

8/6/2018

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​I’m sure I don’t have to spell it out here….we’re all smart enough to know I’ll be able to have a ginormous glass of wine (or two), while indulging on the finale of the Bachelorette after Colton goes to bed tonight.  I’m thankful for my son (more then anyone will EVER know), but I’m still grieving the loss of two more embryos.  I don’t think that many people will ever understand that, but I’m putting it out there anyway.
As a mother, you want to give your child everything.  I want my son to have a sibling.  He may not consider that the same caliber gift as a bike, toy truck, or a new pair of shoes (he’s obsessed with shoes), but I’m thinking about long term here.  I realize I can’t guarantee a close sibling relationship, but I want to provide my son with that person who will know him always, the one  who understands  what it was like to grow up in his home, the one who’s still there when we’re gone.  I know it’s morbid to think about, but I don’t want to leave him alone if anything should happen to my husband and me.  I know he will have extended family, good friends, and someone to love, but as a mom I want insurance!  Call me crazy or laugh in my face, but I’d also like to experience raising siblings.  I imagine it’s hard – much harder then what I’m doing now, but that’s my “Everest”.  I want to take on the challenge of the schedules, the sharing, and the “it’s not fair”.  I want to see how different or similar my kids would be.  I want the messy and the dirty, I want it all.  Are you listening uterus of mine?
One of the unique struggles of secondary infertility is that I know in time, if I must, learn to accept the dream of a sibling for Colton not happening.  It does help that the one kid we have is pretty incredible.  We are lucky.  We are grateful.  I want to experience that miracle again.  Is that so greedy of me?  Coming to terms with the fact that this entire situation is out of my control has been extremely difficult.  Sometimes things in life happen that aren’t fair, and that’s all there is to it.  It doesn’t make me feel better but it’s the truth.  Life is not fair – can I get an AMEN?
To all the prayers, positive vibes, and encouragement - THANK YOU!  It all helps more then you know.  My heart is very deep with love for everyone in regards.
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Crazy Train

8/2/2018

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Choo choo!  All aboard the crazy train!  No, actually.....don't get on.  As much as I'd love the company, it really effing sucks here....and anyone who is familiar with infertility would agree that this train can derail at any moment.
We had embryo transfer #2, trying for baby #2 (and possibly #3), transferring 2 embryos on July 26th.  The days before, day of, and few days after, I was so positive we were about to add to our family - it was going to work this time!
The day of the transfer, my best-friend and I headed downtown for the procedure (my husband was working out of town and thank God for her....she wouldn't allow me to go alone).  The transfer went perfect, and I got to see my embabies before they were put in, they were the finest of miracles.  Once the procedure was done and we were released to now go relax, we drove back towards home stopping to have a quick lunch.  Once home, I rested while Colton was at daycare.  I picked him up in the early evening and spent the rest of the night with him.....in my mind relishing my possible last months with him as an only child.  
1dp5dt: (That's 1 day past 5 day transfer), I took Colton to daycare in the morning, and per my doctor rested more at home.  I binged watched TV and napped a lot!  My husband also finally made it home, which I was very happy about.  We headed out to the local county fair late that evening to let Colton see all of the farm animals for a couple hours....fun, relaxing, and much needed - I was getting a little stir crazy on the couch for the last two days.
2dp5dt: Saturday I started my morning out with acupuncture (associated with fertility and the embryo transfer specifically), and after we had a relaxing day with family celebrating a graduation.
3dp5dt: Sunday I relaxed prior to heading out with my husband, sister in law and brother in law for a concert (which was a very fun yet relaxing evening in our suite - talk about a wonderful all access treatment at Wrigley Field for the Foo Fighters).  
4dp5dt:  Monday morning I headed back to work, which wasn't stressful at all, but this is the day things started to spiral out of control......GOOGLE is the devil!  I started to googling....you know, the usual "4dp5dt symptoms", "4dp5dt BFP", and so forth.  For those who don't know what BFP is, it's a big fat positive on a pregnancy test.  Might as well point out POAS is "pee on a stick (pregnancy test)", since we'll get into that rats nest quick here.....
5dp5dt:  This was the day I got my BFP after POAS at home when pregnant with Colton, so I always think on this day "Today could be the day I get a positive!"  However I kept myself from cheating and running to the bathroom any chance I got......I wasn't yet ready to stare at a test praying for two pink lines yet.  So I held out and turned to obsess yet again to GOOGLE.  I mean, you didn't think I could totally control myself did you? HAHAHA!  Your stupid if you did.  Dummy LOL!
6dp5dt:  I magically had a moment of clarity, where I realized that right now I might be pregnant.  Two embryos had been put inside of me 5 days ago, which by any definition considers me pregnant.  I could either enjoy it, and act and think like I was pregnant, or I could spend my time in a huge funk worrying about some time in the near future when I might not be pregnant anymore.  A zen-like calm settled over me.  Those 24 hours were the best I've had during this particular infertility journey.
7dp5dt: (that's today Aug 2nd):  POOF!!! the calm was gone and the psycho bitch was back.  I cheated this morning....I dug through a drawer and pulled out a magical stick wrapped in pink foil (all while doing a potty dance holding my morning pee), and I finally peed on that damn stick.  I turned the test over and watched the clock for 3 minutes, praying that I'd see 2 pink lines once I turned it back over.  I turned it over and my heat broke immediately....only 1 line.  The doubts started to creep in, and the little voice inside of me started shouting at me!  "You don't actually think you could be pregnant, do you?  You're fooling yourself!".  Pure heartbreak, but still have to hold it together for that "just in case there's a sliver of hope chance".
I know well enough that going into tomorrow 8dp5dt, and POAS with another negative result leaves me with very little faith that my 2 embabies made it.  This breaks my heart.....two more babies gone.  I'm pretty confident that I'll at least have the entire weekend to mourn before having to drag my puffy cried-out eyes into the fertility clinic Monday morning for my official blood draw and then head to work.  The worst part of it, the medicine doesn't stop until I get the official dreaded phone call on Monday....this means I have to stab my ass for the next 3 nights with that damn huge weapon of a needle full of hormones.  
Don't get me wrong here....I haven't entirely given up on this cycle.  I'm still hanging by a worn out broken down tiny ass effing thread here.  If all goes down hill which is how I'm mentally anticipating it will, know that I haven't yet given up on the process.  I plan to go into another round.....our FINAL round.  Can you even imagine?  Our LAST and final round of fertility treatment.  We have two embryos left, and they will be our final chance in one more embryo transfer.  If that also fails, we can only embrace the fact that Colton was meant to be our only miracle......and what a beautiful miracle he is.  I just only wish we could give him a sibling or two, but we have to play the cards we're dealt, and if only 1 win is what we get, then Colton is a good win.
Below is a photo of our two perfect embabies.  One is even hatching which couldn't be more perfect.  Please pray for my embabies and these last few moments that I'm PUPO (Pregnant until proven otherwise).  I'm not sure why God continues to call my littles home.
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Embryo Transfer #1 for Miracle Baby #2

5/23/2018

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​We began our journey a few months back for our miracle #2 baby, using 1 of our 5 frozen embryos.   This round of IVF started on 4/26, with an embryo transfer date of 5/15, and a blood pregnancy test to be performed on 5/25.  In case you’re unfamiliar with IVF and the intense schedule of medicine, ultrasounds, & blood tests that it comes with it, let me describe my journey over the past month.  I’ve endured 5 vaginal ultrasounds, 6 blood tests, 23 abdominal injections of hormones that I administered myself, 17 vaginal suppositories of progesterone, 17 intramuscular injections of progesterone oil in my rear with a ginormous needle - also administered myself (unless my husband was home which was about half the time), 25 estrogen patches in total on my abdomen, a total of 30 baby aspirin, daily prenatal, & once a week acupuncture (twice on transfer week).  The embryo transfer itself isn’t the most comfortable procedure, but the excitement of possibility overshadows the fact that there’s about 5 people looking at your vagina, your insides, and let’s be honest here….it’s a painful process to have a catheter jammed through your cervix into your uterus.  We got to see our “Embaby” (embryo) before it was inserted into the catheter, and that was a beautiful site to hold on to.
The photo is of our perfect little Embaby that was transferred on May 15th.  5 days after the transfer, I cheated – I took an at home pregnancy test hoping for two lines, but only one appeared.  I had figured since I had tested positive 5 days after with Colton it would surely appear to be positive already, but it was early still so I remained positive.  I tested again on the 6th day, then the 7th day, again on the 8th day, and finally the 9th day.  By this time I was grasping for hope, but I knew the chances were now so slim.....deep down I knew my womb was empty.  This morning I went in to have my blood drawn for the pregnancy test, and then patiently waited 6 hours for that phone call to confirm what I had already known deep down.  Even though mentally I set myself up for failure, the pain of actually hearing the truth from my doctor was a lot harder then I could have ever imagined.  I cried….I cried a lot.  Our little Embaby didn’t make it…..and there’s no reason as to why, it just didn’t happen this time for us.   Since I’m already a parent this time around (which is a new feeling going through fertility), I didn’t really know how I was going to react, but I never imagined it would hurt just as bad as the times before Colton was in our lives, if not worse because this was an actual embryo I already consider myself a parent to. Please don’t get me wrong, Colton is everything we could have ever dreamed of, but we now dream of adding another miracle to our family.  Does that make us selfish?  I know there are so many couples wishing to have the one thing we have already– just one miracle.  None the less, it hurts.  Infertility hurts…..it hurts physically, and the mental pain is unimaginable.

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So what happens from here?  I end all medication I'm currently on for this cycle, and I'll start my period within 3-4 days.  So next week I'll begin a new cycle, and a new journey towards our Miracle #2 Baby....new blood tests, new ultrasounds, new meds, & new beginnings.  The only thing to do now is grieve this weekend about the loss, have some wine, and start fresh next week.  The only thing left to question now with having 4 frozen embryos left:  Do we transfer 1 or 2 embryos this time? 
Wish us luck.

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PIO SHOTS

5/11/2018

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4 more days to go until our next embryo transfer, and last night was my first progesterone oil shot of the cycle.  I had to give it to myself which is extremely harder then you would think (and apparently I'm a bad ass - just keep reading LOL).  It took me 30 minutes & a phone call to my husband for encouragement to actually follow through and pull the plunger (literally).  I have to take these shots every night until the pregnancy test, and if pregnant all the way until the doctor says to discontinue (typically anywhere in the ballpark of 7-9 weeks gestation).  So lets discuss what these PIO shots are like in the eyes of a fellow blogger.  "This is not a school lesson, so let's have fun":

PIO shots are a pain in my ass! PIO stands for progesterone in oil, and seem to be a staple medication for many fertility clinics. Progesterone is essential for building and maintaining the lining of the uterus, as well as supporting the developing embryo.  There is a ton more information about progesterone, but this blog is not a school lesson, so let’s have fun.
They are not bad once you get a system down, BUT after having close to 100+ over the course of my journey, these still are the least favorite. SO since my FET (frozen embryo transfer) is right around the corner, let the PIO shots begin! 

1. It is an inch and a half long! You could actually spear fish with this needle. When someone comes at you with an effing 1 1/2 inch humongous needle you tend to not be okay with that. If you are, well frankly you are a sadistic freak. 
2. The medication is in oil. That makes it THICK which requires a fat gauge needle. So allow me to recap, long-A scary as hell needle, and it is also a mega large thick gauge. Boy, how did I get so lucky? Another thing about this oil awesomeness, it goes in so SLLLLLLOOOOWWW, You can’t lightning fast dart this crap in like the heparin shots, nope, it is like a 90’s Usher, nice and slow. 
3. We got a bleeder! Yep that’s right. Want to make your husband pass/flip the eff out? If you hit the wrong spot, you can hit a blood vessel which then turns things into a C budget horror movie. It doesn’t hurt when this happens more just shaves off a few years of the poor supportive partner administering your shot. 
4. This is a 2 person party.  Look, there are some hard core ladies out there who give themselves their own intramuscular butt shots.  They are the Chuck Norris’s of infertility patients.  I do not fall in that category.  This shot requires your dearest partner to jab you.  Partly because of the angle, more so because you have to check for blood in the syringe.
5. Did I tell you they are a pain in the ass.  Literally.
6. Ever waddle like a duck from shots?  Yep, 1 out of 7 shots I found will be a “bad” shot.  This means you will walk with a stylish limp when this happens for about a day.  If you are lucky to have 2 in a row that are bad, commence the non-pregnancy waddle.  Other nod to infertility being a jerk.
7. Heating pad, you are my only friend.  It heats the site where you had the shot.  Since it is oil, it helps disperse the medication and reduces knots.  It is also KNOT <- haha get it? a bad idea to stick the vial of medication in your bra about 15-20 minutes before the shot.  Although it is in a slow administering oil, this will warm it up and help it go in with less knotting.
8. EMLA-U-Lah-Lah! EMLA cream is a numbing agent and you can get/beg for an RX of this if you know you are in it for the long haul with these shots.  To spare you the trial and error stories, a tegaderm patch will help immensely.  Keep the cream on for 45 minutes prior to the shot and BAM, you won’t feel a thing.
9. You kinda need to take this around the same time every night.  This  makes planning evening/life activities down-right difficult.  We have had to sneak away in run-down bathrooms, abandoned areas of weddings, in the middle of dinner with friends, and my favorite: a close friend’s bedroom where there in-laws barged in on us in the middle of an injection.  Yeah, he totally narked on us too and my friend (thank God she knew our situation) had to delicately explain to her soon to be father-in-law we are not heroin addicts, just going through infertility procedures.  AWKWARD!
10. Early pregnancy symptoms and PIO shot side effects: THE SAME.  Eff you infertility for making me even more insane.  My boobs hurt from air, does this mean? I have weird cramping, could it be?  I have hormonal outbursts and want to strangle even Gandhi, COULD I BE PREGNANT? {insert infertility’s evil laugh} MUAH HA HA … That’s the progesterone my friend.


Husbands take on PIO:
Here’s the thing, there is no way to put a circular saw in someone’s hand that has never used one before and say, “Go ahead and cut through those 2x8s.” and expect that they will be totally comfortable with it.  But, that is kind of the situation with the PIO shots.  Sure, the fertility clinic will go over every detail with you as many times as you want.  But, I don’t care how many times you stab a foam block, it is an entirely different feel when you are sitting there with your dearly beloved’s butt in your face and have to stab her with this needle.  I did find a few things out though that may be of interest to share:

1.  First, don’t hesitate.  Nope, go for it like a dart motion.  If you hesitate and fail to fully commit, it is going to hurt her more for you to start stabbing again.  Also, quick out seemed to be the best thing for us.
2.  Next, I found out that certain points on her target area were better than others. She did better towards the inside and low.  You will see the quadrant thing that splits the butt into 4 sections and be told that it is the upper outside quadrant that these shots need to go into, so it is the lower-inner portion of the upper-outer quadrant  that I am referring to.  Confusing right?  But, if you pay attention to which regions were better than others (more importantly, which regions are worse) you can try to make everything a bit more predictable.
3.  She did not like a countdown and I did not like giving one.  It was just something else to stress about.  She knew she was going to get a shot and I knew to give it to her when everything was ready.  No fuss, just go through the motions.
4.  It is super important to initially pull the plunger back to see if you hit a vein after inserting the syringe needle.  We probably went through 100 PIO shots and never hit one.  Then, just the other day, it happened.  Just make sure to do this check!
5.  Make it fun in any way if possible.  We always had silly band-aids to use for her shot sites.  Scooby Doo, Angry Birds, Looney Toons, whatever can bring levity to the situation.

***A review then: stab her like you mean it, find her PIO “G” spot, sneak up on her to do the injection, always look for red leaks, and finally, laugh at the sticker you put on her butt.  Sounds like another great night in the House of Infertility.

 
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Small update...

3/7/2018

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Small update since my last post.  I finished the 10 days of provera (last pill was on February 24th), and I started my "day 1" of a normal menstrual cycle on February 28th.  I called into my regular OB to schedule the saline ultrasound as planned, however there was no availability within the next month between him and the radiologist on site to do it.  So in order to stay proactive and avoid and entire month at least of getting nowhere, I phoned my fertility doctor hoping she could squeeze me in.  She was able to schedule the procedure with her team, and she also wanted me come in for my "day 3" of blood and ultrasound (March 2nd).  Blood and ultrasound came back later the same day completely normal.  She also put me on birth control that same day (a positive step in the right direction moving towards IVF to regulate my cycle).  I had the saline ultrasound yesterday (March 6th), and apparently my uterus looks great.  This was relieving, yet super frustrating at the same time.  Relieving because the ultrasound came back with no abnormalities in my uterus, so I don't have to have a D&C.  Frustrating because there's no reason as to why I was bleeding so much for so long.  So let's just hope this goes unexplained and fixes itself with the birth control (so far so good - birth control seems to be doing it's job)..
Moving forward:  I have a biopsy on Tuesday March 13th.  My fertility doctor will go into the uterus and take a biopsy of the uterine lining to send out for testing (results normally take an approx. week to get back).  This will ensure whether the lining is healthy or not.  Once that is confirmed, I believe we can then move forward with IVF the next menstrual cycle, or maybe one more after the next one.  Slow start but finally getting somewhere.

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February 2018

2/22/2018

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Update on a few things.....
We announced recently that we are trying for baby #2 via IVF, using one of our 5 frozen embryos.  So far it's been a bit hectic just to start our second IVF cycle.  Last month I had my consultation with my fertility doctor, and laid out a plan that seemed quite easy - so it seemed at the time.  You see, for the last 13 months (yes since January 2017), I have been bleeding.  This situation is quite unique, not to mention a complete struggle on the daily for me.  My entire life prior to my pregnancy with Colton, I would rarely have a monthly cycle, it would come approximately 1-2 times per year (super abnormal for the average female, yet normal for me).  So, to be bleeding for this amount of time that I have been is not only irregular, but very alarming.  Last April of 2017, my regular OB gave me an ultrasound and found nothing irregular to the bleeding, so I just sort of let it go after that and continued to deal with it (crazy I know).  Let's come back to the present - my fertility doctor wanted to address as to why I am bleeding, so she scheduled a saline ultrasound and biopsy of my uterus for February 9th.  I went to the appointment (mind you not had to drive there and back in the worst winter storm of the season), and neither procedures could be completed because I was bleeding SO heavy.  When I say heavy, I mean 1 tampon bled through, 1 pad completely soaked, and blood running down my leg within 30-45 minutes (TMI I know, but I want to explain the severity of it at times).  It's not always like this, however it is very often that it does occur.  She referred me back to my regular OB as there wasn't much she could do until my bleeding stops - then we could move forward.  She did however order a blood test for anemia, which not surprising came back with extremely low red blood cell counts.  This means I was diagnosed with anemia and have to take a new iron supplement. 

February 15th, I had an appointment with my OB.  I chose not to use my primary OB, but another doctor who I met through the same practice while I was pregnant with Colton.  He was actually the only doctor who paid attention to my high blood pressure which led to my diagnosis of preeclampsia (ultimately the reason as to why I was induced at 36 weeks of pregnancy to deliver - my BP was 160/110 that morning and I was in early kidney failure.  In my eyes he's a hero LOL).  I figured if anyone would pay any attention to what was going on with me, it would be him.  We did a pap (which came back inconclusive due to too much blood - yay me I get to redo that again), a blood test to check platelets & thyroid (thyroid came back normal, but platelets came back high), and he also gave me a hormone called provera to take for 10 days to hopefully stop the bleeding.  I found this odd since normally in my past with fertility, provera would be given to bring on my period, and he told me it will have the opposite effect and hopefully end my bleeding.  Within 3-7 days after the last pill, I should have a "normal" period.  Well luckily for the first time in a LONG time, it has worked so far, and I haven't been bleeding for 6 days straight now (thank God)!  So now I have a few things to do:  finish taking provera for the total of 10 days (3 more days left), then once I get my period ("Day 1"), call my OB and he will schedule the saline ultrasound to be done with him.  Hopefully that test will discover something called polyps that he is believing is the cause of the irregular bleeding.  Polyps grow in the uterus and are a noncancerous growth attached to the inner wall of the uterus, but cause bleeding.  If this is the case, he will then schedule a D&C (dilation and curettage).  This is a surgical procedure to remove tissue from inside the uterus.  Once that is complete, I should be able to move forward with fertility to try for our baby #2.

Now lets move on to emotions.  Excited, nervous, and scared...I'm petrified of failure.  I sort of feel like someone robbed me of my sparkle lately (mostly due to someone telling me I'm not myself & the hormones have changed me.  I think I've been pretty myself the last 7 days I've been on hormones, so that statement no matter the situation in my eyes is hurtful & heartless.).  I've been so tired, so drained, so exhausted - have you heard enough about how I'd like to just lay down for an entire week and sleep uninterrupted? I'm sure that's all due to anemia, which the iron should help regenerate my red blood cell count within the month, and I should feel normal again soon - hopefully.  The best thing I can do from here is surround myself with positive people who want to uplift me rather then attack me, and do what makes me most happy - enjoy my perfect little boy at home. 

Speaking of Colton - he's doing GREAT!  He has 8 teeth now, running all over the place, and getting better with his words like "more, mama, daddy, book, uh-oh, & no" and he says "shhh" for shoes.  He loves to ride his little quad, bring you books to read to him, feed the fish, and bath time is still his favorite.  He gives kisses and loves to snuggle which is my favorite.  His personality is so big and bright.  He's always looking for me when I pick him up at daycare, he will grab his little bag and walk towards me with the biggest genuine smile there ever was.  However, he does know how to throw the perfect tantrum, which at this point is still a little funny (I'm sure that will change).  He's learned what "time-out" in the corner is.....it may be 30 seconds in the corner but it works better then the word "NO", which he just laughs at.  He's learning ability amazes me.  I can't find all the words in my heart to express how he is the most amazing thing to ever happen to me.

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Thanksgiving - "It's okay to not be okay"

11/22/2017

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Thanksgiving is upon us, and it's this time every year we reflect on all the things we're thankful for.  I have so much to be thankful for this year, beginning with my sweet boy Colton Charles.  I am beyond thankful to be his Mama, he has truly given me purpose.  I have also reflected on my infertility journey, and I realize that I am thankful to have lived it.  It was seven years of so much heartache & pain, but in hindsight I'm thankful.  This may be hard for some to understand, but through everything I've endured it was that journey that led me to my son.  Thanksgiving also reminds me of so many previous years I wasn't able to be thankful for the one thing I prayed for every single day - a child.   I want to tell those suffering infertility still, that it's okay to not be okay.  I want to share some words from a fellow blogger I follow.   More often then not she has written exactly what I always wanted to say, scream, and cry in regards to my own journey with infertility.  So with this being said I want to share her words in regards to Thanksgiving. 

"Hey there sweet friend, 
Have you ever googled “Thankful for infertility“? I have. And all of the articles at the top of my search were written by women who had reached the other side. They were the ones no longer in the trenches and throes of infertility. The ones who have had their adoptions finalized. The ones who have given birth to healthy babies. The ones who have had their dreams fulfilled, no longer pouring every last penny into medicine and doctor appointments. And they were the ones no longer gasping for air from the deep heartache of a miscarriage or a failed adoption.
Given the fact they were living on the other side, I believe it was easier for them to look back and be thankful for all that infertility had taught them. They could see through the eyes of grace how it strengthened their marriage, renewed their faith, and brought them blessings in disguise. They could see how their journey through their miscarriage made them stronger and braver. They could see how everything that went wrong, helped make all things right. And they could see all of this because they were on the mountain top looking down.
But you– the one still fighting for your dream. The one whose heart is still painfully aching from a miscarriage. The one who just discovered another treatment cycle has failed. And the one who is hanging onto hope by a thread. I am writing this article for you. Because I want you to know that this Thanksgiving, as you carve the turkey, pass the stuffing and put way too much whip cream on your pumpkin pie, it’s okay if you are struggling to be thankful.
Sure, you can name one thing or even several things…your home, your job, your spouse, or even the food in which you are about to partake…but the one joy you thought or hoped you were going to be thankful for this Thanksgiving holiday, you can’t mention. And maybe it is because you have recently learned that the miracle that once filled your womb isn’t going to fill your arms. Or the plans you made in order to make this year different, have failed. And failed miserably. Or maybe it’s because the dreams you believed were coming true, have instead turned into a nightmare.
And my heart aches for you. Because I get it. I understand. I even understand the pressure you are under to still be joyful and thankful for all that still remains. And I understand the guilt you feel when you can’t and the shame you have when you aren’t, even though you know you should be. You know you live an abundant life, but it’s just so hard to see it right now. And so this guilt and this shame on top of all of this heartache? It just makes the stress of the holiday much more difficult to bear. And it makes you feel like a horrible person, am I right? But friend, as you venture into Thanksgiving this week, I want to tell you something from my heart to yours: It’s okay.

It’s okay if you are unable to fight back the tears as you gather around the table to give thanks.

It’s okay if you can’t see how your miscarriage could ever be woven into some master plan of good.

It’s okay to be sad…even outraged…that your life isn’t going according to plan.


It’s okay if you need to lock yourself in the bathroom and cry when the emotions become too overwhelming, the thoughts become too painful, and the heartache you have becomes too strong.
It’s okay to be angry and confused at the unfairness infertility brings.
It’s okay if you don’t sweep your emotions underneath the kitchen rug you are standing on while you peel the potatoes, but rather open up and tell your family how your womb aches. Your heart hurts. And the hope you have is fading.
And it’s okay to shake your fist to the heavens and tell God exactly how you feel. Not holding anything back.
It’s okay to question why your plans are not good enough or the timing isn’t right.

It’s okay to be mad that you have spent thousands of dollars and countless hours at the doctor’s office just to be given a chance to have what seems to come so naturally and easily to others.

And it’s okay to hurt, to cry, and to still feel disappointed even though others think you should have moved on by now.

It’s okay to tell your Aunt Judy with grace that it’s not really her place to ask when you are going to have children.

It’s okay if while grocery shopping for thanksgiving dinner you see a pregnant woman in the same aisle as you and you need to turn your head. Even move to another part of the store.  Or wipe away a tear.

It’s okay if you decline the invitation to hold your cousins baby or walk away from a conversation about motherhood.

It’s okay if you decide to cook a meal for just you and your spouse…forgoing the traditional family affair.

Friend, basically I want you to know it’s okay to not be okay this Thanksgiving.  

So give yourself the gift of grace.  Because you are not a horrible person.  You are a normal human being with normal emotions after experiencing loss and constant disappointment and heartache.   Even the most perfect person has occasional trouble seeing the joy through the pain.  So, sweet friend, don’t beat yourself up or kick yourself down.  Just do the best you can and try to remember through the holiday season that it won’t always be this hard, or this overwhelming, or this stressful.  Because just like the women in the articles wrote, night always turns to dawn.  Seasons always change.  And the valley you are in today might be the one you are looking down on tomorrow.  But until that time comes, just know that it’s okay to not always be okay even if it is Thanksgiving."

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O.N.E.

10/27/2017

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Colton Charles turned ONE on September 30th!  My post is a little late, but better late then never right?  He has developed such a cute personality, and is so smart already, It's quite amazing to see the changes he goes through on a daily basis.  At his one year appointment he was 30" long & 20 lbs & 10 ozs.  Tall and slim boy, but growing perfectly.  He has 4 teeth so far.  He crawls like a champ & can pull himself up to a stand next to anything, but no free standing or steps just yet (and to be honest Momma isn't sure she's ready for that yet LOL).  He's an absolute joy, even through the sleep regression moments, tantrums, and blow outs.  Parenting is not easy, however every single second is worth it all. 
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October:  Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

10/27/2017

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October is almost over, but it's never too late to bring awareness to pregnancy & infant loss. It's a topic dear to my heart not only because I have angel babies, but because there are countless amounts of people who have also endured the same pain. I think of my babies always - I wonder what they would look like, what we would have named them, what their personalities would be like, & what type of sibling they would be to Colton. You see when they went to heaven, a piece of my heart went with them that I'll never have back. However it warms my heart to think they have a piece of me up there with them.

I read a blog this morning, which gave a great outlook as to why there is an entire month dedicated to the topic. I cried reading her story. No matter what type of loss you've endured, the loss is great. Worth the read:

http://www.akamatra.com/2017/10/why-heck-do-we-need-pregnancy-and.html?m=1

Each and every day in communities across America, expectant moms will feel their baby's first kick, parents will listen to their newborn's first cry, and families will celebrate the birthday of a healthy baby.
Also each and every day approximately 13 babies will be lost to SIDS and other sudden unexpected infant deaths, more then 70 new parents will have listened sadly their stillborn baby's silence, and countless lives will be lost to miscarriage.
I never thought that I would experience miscarriage, let alone suffer from infertility. However, I know that I'm not alone - my journey is similar to so many other's across the country and all over the world. It's a topic that most don't talk about because they're so scared, frightened, or even embarrassed about. Please just do this one thing for me, if you've experienced any of this loss yourself, please reflect on your feelings and remember your baby(s). Every 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage....I am 1 in 4.  If you're reading this and haven't experienced any of this, please do this one thing for me and educate yourself on the topic.

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Do you remember your NICU unit stay?

10/27/2017

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Every hospital should have a NICU unit like this one!  I remember after giving birth, the NICU team whisking Colton away from the birthing unit to the NICU unit - leaving me behind.  While the NICU unit was merely yards away from the birthing unit, it seemed like miles and miles away.  Once they moved me from the birthing unit into a post delivery room, it was even farther away from the NICU unit.  While I was still checked into the hospital, I was able to visit him at any hour, but I would have slept much better being in the same room as my son.  Once I was checked out (my son still checked in), the NICU unit was kind enough to allow me to occupy an empty NICU room and/or the NICU nurse on call room to sleep in every night.....which is where I stayed for the next two weeks.  Thank goodness they had the room for me to be able to do that, or my NICU stay would have been on a tiny couch for two weeks.....I refused to go home.  However, to be able to sleep next to my son during HIS entire stay would have been amazing.  My hats off to this hospital and their NICU center!
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/neonatal-intensive-care-unit-1.4310322

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The past 6 months...

4/27/2017

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Having our son Colton in our lives for the past 6 months, has been pure joy to say the least.  It’s been amazing to watch him grow and change, sometimes almost daily it seems.  At his 6 month check up he was 15 lbs even and 24 ½ inches long, which puts him in the 3rd percentile in weight & 10th percentile in length.  He’s still a little guy, but gaining which is great.  He’s been sleeping through the night since about 2 months of age, which is a blessing (let’s hope this habit doesn’t change).  He learned how to roll over at 4 months of age, and has been rolling all around ever since.  We’re currently working with him being able to sit up on his own, and hopefully soon he will crawling.  He’s on solid foods now, and loves his fruits & sweet potatoes and hates peas & avocado (we will have to work on those).  Bath time seems to be his favorite thing to do, but he also loves to jump around in his jumper, swing in his swing while watching the fish in our living room fish tank, touch our faces with so much curiosity, and give lots of snuggles – which is also my favorite thing to do with him.  He has discovered his feet recently as well as his voice, and is always talking (especially when he wakes up in the morning and lays in his crib and just talks away).  We still don’t know his eye color – he changes from blue, to grey, to green, to hazel…..each day a different color.  Soon maybe they’ll stay one color, but for now he will remain a chameleon.  He has been in daycare since Jan. 2nd, which was extremely hard at first for me, as I’m sure it is for any parent returning back to work after maternity leave.  However, he seems to love the interaction with the other children, as well as his teachers.  We get to keep up with how he’s doing while he’s there each day, on our phones or online which is great!  From diaper changes, feedings, naps, art activities, & milestones – we get updates on everything which we love.  In general he’s a really happy little boy, which is more then we could have ever asked for.  We can’t wait to see what he the future brings for our little family, but we’re excited to watch him grow and can’t wait to teach & show him more.  My greatest pleasure in life is to watch the world through his eyes.
 
Now on to something that is dear to our heart, NIAW.  National Infertility Awareness Week is this week and a topic extremely dear to my heart.  Seven years, hundreds of medications, ten failed IUI’s, one ectopic, three miscarriages, an ocean of tears and heartache, lots of positive support from friends/family, & 1 IVF cycle gave us one perfect little boy names Colton Charles.  We may have beat infertility, but it’s an incurable disease that effects every 1 in 8 couples.  15% of couples struggle to become a family…..15% - that’s a staggering number!  This means that you likely know someone struggling right now to conceive.  It’s not easy for everyone to get pregnant, and the heartache that comes with that is unbearable.  Speak up, ask questions, educate yourself on the topic.  To those on their own infertility journey right now – I’m talking to all you TTC Sisters, don’t give up!  You have more heart & soul then anyone I know.  You are so strong & amazing, keep up the good fight!  There’s a rainbow at the end of your tunnel…..just believe!


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"Be Thankful..."

4/13/2017

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So much time has passed since I’ve given an update on our little miracle, and I apologize for that.  However, today I’m not writing an update about our Colton.  I promise I’ll share how he is doing another time (he is healthy and that’s all I can dream of).  Today I’m writing about a family dear to my heart, and their story:
 
I cannot pretend to understand what this family is going through.  I have suffered similar fate, but not remotely close to what they are enduring.  I’ve lost babies to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, or seeing a little heartbeat and then finding out that little heart stopped only a short time later.  What this family is experiencing is very different.  She got to spend almost 24 weeks with them growing inside of her.  She got to feel these little miracles make movement inside her belly.  She labored and delivered them.  They breathed the same air that their parents breathed.   They took their last breathe in the arms of their parents.  They got to touch, kiss, and physically love on those little miracles before they grew their angel wings.
 
I remember when this couple announced they were pregnant – and with TWINS (Baby A being a boy & Baby B being a girl).  Pure joy was my reaction, I couldn’t have been happier for them – they deserved this so much.  I know the struggle they endured prior to finally getting pregnant with their twins, this was dear to my heart as I shared that same pain suffering infertility for many years.  I also shared in their joy with every picture she posted on social media of her belly, such an amazing beautiful smile she had in every photo – her happiness shown through each one.  They've been amazing parents from the moment they saw two pink lines.  When it is said that a pregnant woman “glows”, well this woman epitomized that.  I admire this woman.  I admire her more today then yesterday, and will admire her more tomorrow then today. 
 
The moment I read her post on social media of what had happened last week, was immediate heartbreak and pain for me.  I had just woken up and was holding my 6 month old son for his morning bottle.  I opened my phone and the very first post on my feed was hers, giving a heartbreaking update on their pregnancy.  At only 23 1/2 weeks, her water broke.  She gave birth to their son who after a few short breaths, had passed - he was 1 lb 6 ozs.  Two days later she again went into labor and gave birth to their daughter who was fighting for her life in the NICU and just a tiny 1 lb 7 ozs.  I immediately felt sorrow, I sobbed there holding my son tight.  I then felt guilt - guilt to be holding my little baby boy and they’ve just lost theirs.  Their little girl at that moment was still fighting for her life in the NICU at only 24 weeks gestation.  Once being a NICU Mama (on a much different level), I sort of knew the challenges ahead for them was not going to be easy, let alone having strength for their little girl after just losing their little boy.  My heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest.   After I cried for a long time, I decided I needed to stay positive for them and pray.  I don’t pray often, God and I had a falling out sometime during the middle my infertility over the years, but I knew I needed to put my pride aside and pray now for them.  I prayed for that little girl fighting every second for her life.  I prayed for Mom & Dad, and the rest of the family to stay strong for her, despite the loss they were enduring at the same time.  I prayed for that little baby boy, who grew his angel wings and was watching down on his family.  It was only a few days later that their baby girl lost her fight with life, and grew her angel wings as well.  She was now reunited with her brother.  I was and still am devastated from the news – my heart hurts so bad, I couldn't imagine what they are feeling....I couldn’t fathom it.  I prayed.  I prayed hard - for strength & healing for Mom & Dad, and family.  I prayed for the Twins who were watching over them, knowing they’ll now forever be their angel babies watching over them.
 
I can’t help but share how strong this woman is.  Yesterday she shared a beautiful picture of her kissing her little baby girl in the NICU.  Sharing a very raw moment she wrote: “I miss her so much, and there aren’t even words for how heartbroken I am.  It took me a while to get pregnant, and it was so hard on me, so when I finally got pregnant I was thankful every moment for my miracles.  To anyone out there who is pregnant and is having undesirable symptoms…be thankful for them, I would honestly give anything to still be pregnant with my twins and experiencing even the worst symptoms.  To the new parents who are at their wits end because they are so tired and their baby won’t stop crying…be thankful that your baby’s lungs are healthy, I would give anything for my twins to be crying with healthy lungs.  To the parents who are frustrated because their kids are being brats…be thankful for them even on their worst days.  Hug your kids a little tighter and realize how lucky you are.” – REALITY CHECK.  I remember prior to my son and going through infertility & my own loss, thinking this exact same thing.  I also shared a similar post on social media in regards.  I think every parent is guilty of it at one time or another, but please remember that there are people who would give anything to be in our shoes as a parent – I was once one of them so I know this first hand.  Be thankful for your little miracles - even in the hardest of times.  Remember, the things you take for granted, someone else is praying for. 
 
I ask this one last thing, please pray for this family.  Please keep them in your hearts & thoughts to have strength.  Pray the continue to grow strong together in love.  Please pray that a rainbow will shine for them.
 
“They’re in the sun,
the wind, the rain,
they’re in the air you
breathe with every
breath you take.
They sing a song
of hope and cheer,
there’s no more pain,
no more fear.
You’ll see them in
the clouds above,
hear the whisper
words of love, you’ll
be together before
long, until then
listen for their song.”

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A day I thought would NEVER come - our child's DUE DATE!!!

10/28/2016

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10-28-2016  I have been looking forward to this exact date for 9 months!  Actually I've been dreaming of getting to our child's due date for 7 years....and today it's finally here!  Execpt today, our son Colton Charles is exactly 4 weeks old!
We had a rough last couple months of pregnancy, as I was diagnosed with preeclampsia/gestational hypertension.  I was soon after put on bed rest due to high blood pressure (the baby was doing fine).  I was to be seen twice a week until delivery and set to be induced at 37 weeks (on 10-07-16), however we didn't make it that far along.  On the morning of September 29th, 2016 I went in for a scheduled ultrasound and stress test, and both showed that the baby was fine & healthy, however my body was not cooperating.  My blood pressure was through the roof high and labs showed early stages of kidney failure.  My team of doctors decided that it was time for our miracle to arrive.....I was immediately checked in to labor and delivery to be induced,  I was notified that once he was delivered, that he would have to go into private care nursery immediately for at least 24 hours to be assessed since he was a late term premie being born at 36 weeks.  Never did I think we would spend the next 13 days at the hospital.
He arrived at 4:36am on 9-30-16 weighing in at 4 lbs & 12 ozs & 18 inches long.  He was every bit of perfect.  Everything happened so fast, and there were so many nurses and doctors in our delivery room.  I saw him for a brief second after delivery and before he was take to the other side of the room, where I waited to hear him cry out for the first time....it seemed like forever.  I remember asking "is he okay" multiple times, and there was no response from anyone.....seconds went by for what seemed like forever until we finally heard our son for the first time cry out.  He was then immediately taken to away to the nursery.   We were able to go to him in his room shortly there after, he was so tiny I wasn't sure how to even hold him.  He was hooked up to heart and oxygen monitors, which at first seemed like so many wires.  Little did I know that would only be the beginning of the machines he would be hooked to.  He wasn't eating properly at first, so a feeding tube was put through his nose into his stomach to help feed what he wasn't physically doing on his own.  He began to do so much better at eating, and a couple days later the feeding tube was able to come out - we were so happy.  With one step forward, we then went two steps back:  His blood saturation levels were dropping lower then what was normal.  He was put on a low do age of oxygen.....my heart sank as more tubes were placed on his perfect little face even though I knew they were helping him live.  He had to slowly be weened off of the oxygen and then forced air slowly.  After the tubes were out, he had to be monitored for 48 hours before he could be discharged.  I was discharged two days after delivery, and basically living in his private room.  In the  13 days we were at the hospital, I only left the hospital a total of 3 hours....there was no chance that I was going to miss a thing with him being there.
10-12-16 was a gloomy rainy day, but it was the happiest day for us - we were finally discharged as a family and able to go home.  It's been so wonderful having him home since.  We can't get enough of him.  He's perfect!!!

Today our miracle is exactly 4 weeks old - today 10-28-2016 was his due date, and this picture below was taken today.  This photo speaks volumes in the minds of those who understand what it took us to get to this point.  In the words of a fellow infertility friend of mine, "Every single prayer, tear, injection, and failed day/month/year was worth it, and this picture is proof of that.  Never give up on your dreams!"  Our little miracle Colton is our dream come true.

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8-3-2012

8/3/2016

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A day I'll never forget.....  I woke up on the morning on August 3rd, 2012, and was super excited for my Dr. Appointment later that morning.  I was hopefully going to be seeing our babies heartbeat for the first time, and I couldn't wait - it.  Little did I know, that this day would change things for me emotionally forever.  As I laid there on the table during my ultrasound, I had this feeling come over me that something was incredibly wrong.  Time seemed to drag on for what seemed like forever, as the ultrasound tech searched for our little tiny miracle in my uterus.  She finally stopped, and then pointed out our beautiful little babies heartbeat......but it wasn't thriving in the uterus - it was in my right tube.  As she explained to me the severity of the situation, I was immediately devastated.  The tears were uncontrollable....and the question as to "why?" was overwhelming.  I couldn't stop thinking that this was supposed to be a happy day, why was this happening to us?  We had been trying for so long at this point, and finally had success - and in that moment it was being ripped away.  I was immediately treated with medication to where my body would reject the fetus.  It was one of the most terrifying un-natural things I've ever had to do.
I'm sharing this today because I think it's important for me to remember this little miracle that was given to us for a short moment of time.  I shed tears this morning as I thought about this loss, our second loss (which the year anniversary is next week), our entire journey thus far, and our baby boy growing inside of me at this very moment which I'm forever thankful for.  We have two little angels to remember, and as a mother I feel it's very important to not forget them.  I think it's very important for everyone to remember their own loss similar to this situation, and know that it's okay to mourn - it's human nature and perfectly healthy. 
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Quick Update

7/26/2016

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26 Weeks and 4 days today…..we’ve come so far, but yet seems like a lifetime away until we’re full term and get to meet our little man “Baby C”.  We’ve picked out a name, have the nursery almost done, read to him almost every night, and have fallen completely in love already.  I’d like to say he’s going to be one lucky little guy to have us, but the reality is we will be the lucky ones to have him!
I’m at the stage where I’m really loving having my baby belly.  Being able to look down and see my belly is a wonderful reminder of how incredibly lucky we are to have this amazing little miracle growing inside of me, and our family growing right before our eyes.  I’m trying so very hard to not be inpatient in his arrival.


Currently we’re camping for a few days, and I will share this - swollen pregnancy feet and ankles are NO JOKE!  I’m having a hard time getting the swelling down, and honestly never knew that my feet could swell so much (although I’m sure as time goes gets closer to delivery, I’ll learn they could swell a lot more).  I’m trying to stay off and elevate them as much as I possibly can, but man it’s tough to look down at them let alone feel the pain.  I guess flip flops will have to become my favorite wardrobe accessory, since I learned very quick that regular tennis shoes are a no go to put on.
We brought our 8 year old nephew along with us on the trip, and it’s pretty wonderful to feel like a “party of 3”.  It’s a great learning experience knowing soon this will be reality for us.  Teaching him all about camping, fishing, and just enjoying/experiencing the outdoors has thus far been a wonderful experience for all three of us.  It’s also teaching us that putting that child 1st in all things we do is my number one priority.


Time continues to fly by….before we know it our little boy will be here and life will change forever for us - for the better of course.  However I am having a little bit of a rough time thinking about “what could happen”.  I know it’s not a good thing to think about, however I also feel like it’s a mother’s natural instinct to wonder about things that could go wrong.  I know keeping myself positive right now is number one, and I’d like to think I do a great job with that, however the thoughts linger in the back of my mind still about so many things that can happen between now and delivery can happen.  I think that this overwhelming feeling won’t be gone until I hear him cry and they tell us he’s perfectly fine.  After that, I’m sure a whole new level overwhelming thoughts of “what could happen” will overtake me. LOL.  One thing at a time…..
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Time is flying by.....

7/20/2016

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I cannot believe it's the end of July already.....time is moving so quickly!  Only 14 more weeks until we meet our little boy, and we cannot wait.  The thought of physically being able to count his 10 fingers, 10 toes, touch his little nose, admire his perfect lips, gaze into his beautiful colored eyes, and snuggle him constantly gives me butterflies!  October cannot come soon enough.  
We're excited to be heading back home to California in a couple weeks to celebrate our baby boy with showers for a couple days!  Things are beginning to really unfold, and we're another step closer to celebrating his arrival.  It's so intense to see actual shower invites with our names on them, celebrating our little miracle!  Things are becoming so real.....soon we will be a family of three.
I've been physically feeling great, however insomnia has me worn out!  Most nights I get on average 4-5 hours of sleep, which is not nearly enough.  If anyone has any remedies at all, please feel free to share them with me....I'm up to trying anything at this point.  I read that 8 out of 10 pregnant women experience insomnia, that seems to be excessive!  Someone has to have a remedy!  

​
I've also been able to be emotional support for some dear friends who have begun their own fertility journey.  I've learned quickly through their journey, that I'm very emotionally attached to what's going on with them.  With every IUI and negative test they've received, it's brought me back to my own journey and how painful those memories were.  The pain they're feeling is so raw and real, and I feel it for her with each devastating negative.  I've cried for them, as I have been there before and know how extremely tough the process is.  After 3 unsuccessful IUI's, their next move is IVF which they're already in full swing of.  I couldn't be more happier for them, and truly hope that this will bring a tiny miracle for them in the end.  Please if you have any prayers, keep them in yours.  The journey is not easy, and has already emotionally and physically worn on them.  They can use a thought and/or prayer to keep their heads up as they embark on the biggest step they'll take in the infertility world thus far. 
It's times such as these that I'm so glad that I can be there for someone......to be emotional support however which way I possibly can.  After all, these are the reasons that I started this blog to begin with.




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For the first time - anxiety free

6/14/2016

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I apologize for not blogging more often.  I guess the most important update to share is IT'S A BOY!  He's loved so much already and we can't wait to meet him!
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It's been a long journey and we're only half way to the finish line, but for the first time I feel anxiety free about what "could" happen to take our little boy away from us.  We're 20 weeks and 4 days today and looking forward to the second half of our pregnancy, and meeting him at the finish line.  I can't say exactly when it happened, but I finally began to feel comfortable with the fact that we're really having a baby and that this is REALLY happening for us finally.  We had our 20 week anatomy scan yesterday, and he's measuring perfectly to our due date and the Dr. said he's looking perfect so far - RELIEF!
Going through years of so much pain that infertility brought, the doubt that it would never happen for us seemed permanently imprinted within me.  It's hard to get past those feelings, but I finally feel like I'm passed that now and it's okay to allow myself to open up to the fact that this IS going to happen for us.  I want to express and emphasize that infertility is still something we struggle with - and will struggle with in the future.  Just because we may give birth to a child doesn't erase the fact that infertility is a disease, and it doesn't just go away because you've had one child.
Educate yourself on infertility.  It's a REAL thing that exists in so many couples - 1 in every 8 couples!  This means you likely know somebody going through it, who will go through it, or it could even be you.  I've posted many facts, articles, point of views, and even our own story within my blog, feel free to explore all of my posts for these items.  I encourage anyone to do this!
If I can leave anyone on a positive note, it's that fact that miracles do happen.  Our baby Boy is proof of that!  We cannot wait to meet him and be living proof that miracles exist.  IVF Success Story in the making. - XO


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Staying positive after the scariest moment yet!

5/2/2016

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I was 13 weeks & 6 days pregnant on Thursday April 28th, and around 545 PM CST, I had the most scariest pregnancy moment thus far......I started bleeding - ALOT.  It wasn't just a little bleed, it was like someone turned a faucet of blood on - no cramping however.  It happened so quickly that I initially thought I had peed myself (never had that happen before but it was my first thought).  I looked down and saw the blood dripping through my pants onto the kitchen floor and immediately thought the worse......that I was losing our perfect little baby that we loved so much already.  I tried SO hard to not cry and panic, but at that point it was impossible to not do.  I picked up the phone and called my husband, who thank God was in the driveway coming home.  I changed and he immediately drove me to the ER - which might I add was the longest drive ever.  They took me in right away and took blood samples, and then sent us back out to the waiting room to join about 40 other people.  For the next two hours we sat waiting to be called, and I continued to cry and think the worse.  I was devastated.....thinking "how could this have happened.....why me?!".  Finally our name was called.  We were escorted to a room where I was told to change, and wait some more.  An ER doctor finally came in after about an hour, introduced himself and performed an internal exam.  He discovered my cervix was still closed (THANK GOD - 1st good news).  He then said we'd need an ultrasound to see what's going on, and so we waited another 2-3 hours.  We were taken to an ultrasound room, where we finally got to see what was going on with our little miracle.  The baby had a perfect beating heart still, and everything else looked good inside.  I cannot tell you how overjoyed and overwhelmed with emotion we both were to see and hear a heartbeat of our baby, after thinking the worst.  We then waited to see the doctor again for the diagnosis, which wasn't exactly an answer......."Unexplained Hemorrhage".  Not exactly what we wanted to hear, or understood, but we knew our baby was alive and well.....and that's what mattered.  On Friday April 29th, I bled a little bit more, but nothing in comparison to the night before.  Around 8PM, I passed a blood clot about the size of a golf ball......never had any cramping.  After this happened, the blood stopped.
Today May 2nd, I had a follow up visit with my regular OB doctor, who took a look at my cervix which she said looked perfect - closed!  There was no more blood either which was another great sign.  She stated that sometimes "things are just unexplained in pregnancy, and this is one of them."  So it looks like I won't have a reason as to why this happened to me, but the baby is fine and that's what I should be focusing on.  
I cannot tell everyone how grateful we are to have so many thoughts and prayers for our little one during these extremely difficult few days.  We are truly blessed.  Please continue to keep our miracle in your thoughts and prayers moving forward, hoping this doesn't happen again.  
Much love - Kristina XO

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    Me In A Nutshell

    My name is Kristina and I'm 37.  Originally I'm a Southern CA girl, and I'm now living in  the "burbs" of Chicago.  I love my son, my husband, my family, my fur babies, and my wonderful friends.  I love wine, love to relax, love to have a good time, I'm a little adventurous, love to people watch, and I'm always down for a last minute road trip to virtually anywhere. I'm obsessed with the smell of racing fuel...weird I know - and fresh cut grass! I love to be home, but hate to sit at the house. If I'm excited I get pretty random - sometimes I talk about multiple subjects at once - I'll admit it's probably hard to keep up.  My husband and I battled infertility for 5 years before having a successful pregnancy - our son Colton Charles was born September 30th, 2016, Although we have had success with the birth of Colton, our battle still continues with infertility.  I've learned it's a wonderful & beautiful thing to share with others the journey that we've walked in the world of infertility.  Welcome to our story.

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