Choo choo! All aboard the crazy train! No, actually.....don't get on. As much as I'd love the company, it really effing sucks here....and anyone who is familiar with infertility would agree that this train can derail at any moment.
We had embryo transfer #2, trying for baby #2 (and possibly #3), transferring 2 embryos on July 26th. The days before, day of, and few days after, I was so positive we were about to add to our family - it was going to work this time!
The day of the transfer, my best-friend and I headed downtown for the procedure (my husband was working out of town and thank God for her....she wouldn't allow me to go alone). The transfer went perfect, and I got to see my embabies before they were put in, they were the finest of miracles. Once the procedure was done and we were released to now go relax, we drove back towards home stopping to have a quick lunch. Once home, I rested while Colton was at daycare. I picked him up in the early evening and spent the rest of the night with him.....in my mind relishing my possible last months with him as an only child.
1dp5dt: (That's 1 day past 5 day transfer), I took Colton to daycare in the morning, and per my doctor rested more at home. I binged watched TV and napped a lot! My husband also finally made it home, which I was very happy about. We headed out to the local county fair late that evening to let Colton see all of the farm animals for a couple hours....fun, relaxing, and much needed - I was getting a little stir crazy on the couch for the last two days.
2dp5dt: Saturday I started my morning out with acupuncture (associated with fertility and the embryo transfer specifically), and after we had a relaxing day with family celebrating a graduation.
3dp5dt: Sunday I relaxed prior to heading out with my husband, sister in law and brother in law for a concert (which was a very fun yet relaxing evening in our suite - talk about a wonderful all access treatment at Wrigley Field for the Foo Fighters).
4dp5dt: Monday morning I headed back to work, which wasn't stressful at all, but this is the day things started to spiral out of control......GOOGLE is the devil! I started to googling....you know, the usual "4dp5dt symptoms", "4dp5dt BFP", and so forth. For those who don't know what BFP is, it's a big fat positive on a pregnancy test. Might as well point out POAS is "pee on a stick (pregnancy test)", since we'll get into that rats nest quick here.....
5dp5dt: This was the day I got my BFP after POAS at home when pregnant with Colton, so I always think on this day "Today could be the day I get a positive!" However I kept myself from cheating and running to the bathroom any chance I got......I wasn't yet ready to stare at a test praying for two pink lines yet. So I held out and turned to obsess yet again to GOOGLE. I mean, you didn't think I could totally control myself did you? HAHAHA! Your stupid if you did. Dummy LOL!
6dp5dt: I magically had a moment of clarity, where I realized that right now I might be pregnant. Two embryos had been put inside of me 5 days ago, which by any definition considers me pregnant. I could either enjoy it, and act and think like I was pregnant, or I could spend my time in a huge funk worrying about some time in the near future when I might not be pregnant anymore. A zen-like calm settled over me. Those 24 hours were the best I've had during this particular infertility journey.
7dp5dt: (that's today Aug 2nd): POOF!!! the calm was gone and the psycho bitch was back. I cheated this morning....I dug through a drawer and pulled out a magical stick wrapped in pink foil (all while doing a potty dance holding my morning pee), and I finally peed on that damn stick. I turned the test over and watched the clock for 3 minutes, praying that I'd see 2 pink lines once I turned it back over. I turned it over and my heat broke immediately....only 1 line. The doubts started to creep in, and the little voice inside of me started shouting at me! "You don't actually think you could be pregnant, do you? You're fooling yourself!". Pure heartbreak, but still have to hold it together for that "just in case there's a sliver of hope chance".
I know well enough that going into tomorrow 8dp5dt, and POAS with another negative result leaves me with very little faith that my 2 embabies made it. This breaks my heart.....two more babies gone. I'm pretty confident that I'll at least have the entire weekend to mourn before having to drag my puffy cried-out eyes into the fertility clinic Monday morning for my official blood draw and then head to work. The worst part of it, the medicine doesn't stop until I get the official dreaded phone call on Monday....this means I have to stab my ass for the next 3 nights with that damn huge weapon of a needle full of hormones.
Don't get me wrong here....I haven't entirely given up on this cycle. I'm still hanging by a worn out broken down tiny ass effing thread here. If all goes down hill which is how I'm mentally anticipating it will, know that I haven't yet given up on the process. I plan to go into another round.....our FINAL round. Can you even imagine? Our LAST and final round of fertility treatment. We have two embryos left, and they will be our final chance in one more embryo transfer. If that also fails, we can only embrace the fact that Colton was meant to be our only miracle......and what a beautiful miracle he is. I just only wish we could give him a sibling or two, but we have to play the cards we're dealt, and if only 1 win is what we get, then Colton is a good win.
Below is a photo of our two perfect embabies. One is even hatching which couldn't be more perfect. Please pray for my embabies and these last few moments that I'm PUPO (Pregnant until proven otherwise). I'm not sure why God continues to call my littles home.
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Me In A Nutshell
My name is Kristina and I'm 37. Originally I'm a Southern CA girl, and I'm now living in the "burbs" of Chicago. I love my son, my husband, my family, my fur babies, and my wonderful friends. I love wine, love to relax, love to have a good time, I'm a little adventurous, love to people watch, and I'm always down for a last minute road trip to virtually anywhere. I'm obsessed with the smell of racing fuel...weird I know - and fresh cut grass! I love to be home, but hate to sit at the house. If I'm excited I get pretty random - sometimes I talk about multiple subjects at once - I'll admit it's probably hard to keep up. My husband and I battled infertility for 5 years before having a successful pregnancy - our son Colton Charles was born September 30th, 2016, Although we have had success with the birth of Colton, our battle still continues with infertility. I've learned it's a wonderful & beautiful thing to share with others the journey that we've walked in the world of infertility. Welcome to our story.