Emotions

So it's been 6 days since we've been informed that we will miscarry, however our choice to naturally miscarry has not yet happened.  I'm feeling myself become more and more overwhelmed with being technically pregnant and knowing that there's no life there.  Each day that passes is becoming harder and harder, even more so then when we delivered the heart wrenching news.  I'm beginning to lean towards taking the pills to chemically bring on a miscarriage so it will be over with, and the thought of this devastates me.  I'd like for it to happen naturally and not as though I am physically making it happen myself.  I've been reading a lot about how to survive emotionally after a miscarriage, in hopes that I can go back to being normal.  It's tough to put on my fake smile and not show the world that I'm crumbling inside.  I came across an article that I thought was fairly useful in coming to terms with things:  "Allowing yourself to grieve the loss can help you come to accept it over time".  

There was also a list of the grief process and what should be expected:
1.  Shock/Denial:  "This isn't really happening; I've been taking good care of myself"
2.  Anger/Guilt/Depression: "Why me?" "If I would have...." "I've always wanted a baby so bad, this isn't fair." "I feel sadness in my life now more then ever."
3.  Acceptance: “I have to deal with it, I’m not the only one who has experienced this. Other women have made it through this, maybe I should get some help.”

Each step takes longer to go through than the previous one. There are unexpected and sometimes anticipated triggers that lead to setbacks.  Examples of potential triggers include: baby showers, birth experience stories, new babies, OB/GYN office visits, nursing mothers, thoughtless comments, holidays, and family reunions.

I've also been thinking about what the future holds for us in terms of "trying" any further.  I've been wanting to give up on the IUI process for a while now, but the thought of IVF and $14-20K is too much to swallow for another "what if".  I have thoughts about giving up often, but know deep down I'm not ready to give up.  I know people who have given up and we're not ready to do that. That may be their plan, but it's certainly not ours.  We will survive this, it's just how we handle it and where we go from here that determines the rest of our journey.