For a minute there, I lost myself....

I wanted to start this page to share the positive things about my journey....but to also share my whole story which is also full of doubt, insecurity, & emotion.  Infertility is full of so many ups and downs, a true roller coaster of emotions is the easiest way to explain it.  I wouldn't be "real" if I didn't share everything I felt, even on the worst of days.  

I'm finding it extremely hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel the past couple days.  I'm not sure what's going on, but I just can't seem to find that my glass is half full.  I'm starting to feel like nobody understands me, nobody knows what I'm going through, and no matter how much I explain what I'm feeling (until I'm blue in the face and tears are streaming down my cheeks) nobody really gets me.  Even though I'm physically not alone, I feel so alone......stranded on this island and there's no hope of survival on it.  It's starting to make me wonder if I'll always feel this way, if I'll always have to have the fake smile like internally nothing is wrong.  Then I realize.....this months cycle is finally taking it's toll on me, and I'm beginning to wonder if we'll ever be blessed with the one thing we're trying to achieve here, or if we're spending all this time, money, and emotion on false hope.  This wednesday is the day when we find out if our latest fertility cycle has worked or not, and I'm trying with all that I can to not feel that we're out yet again, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't.  Nobody wants to get their hopes up to have the door slammed in their face yet again.  This is all odd because last week I was so optimistic, I felt grounded, I felt like good things were happening.  This week I feel as though that the rug I was standing on was ripped right out beneath me as if it were an illusion all along.....as if it were never there to begin with and I'm being told I'm crazy to think it ever was.  

I read an article about another couple struggling infertility, and the wife wrote her husband a letter where she states to him, "I feel like we are in the same boat, but I am doing all of the rowing while you are enjoying the scenery.  Or I am the one on the front lines taking all of the hits and when I turn around to look for you, I see you standing there, just hanging back, cleaning your gun and not worrying about all of the bullets flying through the air.  It is as if we are in a burning house together. And the two of us are running in different directions, bumping and tripping into each other.  I’m screaming to hurry and get out, while you stop to make a sandwich and sip on a tall glass of tea."  This article in it's entirety hit me pretty hard.  I thought to myself, "Thank goodness I'm not the only one that feels this way.....".  Even though I'm not alone, the fact of the matter is that I do feel alone sometimes during my cycle, especially towards the end.  Like I'm ashamed of admitting that my doubt is overcoming me, and I feel like I can't tell a soul that I'm giving in to the fact that another cycle is approaching us and I'm going to have to begin this all over again.  It's like a slow moving rickety carnival ride that I'm not allowed to get off of, just hang on and go another time around while my husband is standing on the sidelines waving as I go by.  It's hard to grasp that even though I'm the one with all of the doctor appointments, the needles, the probes, the conversations full of the tone of voice from the nurse that feels sorry for me delivering constant bad news month after month......that my spouse is going through this with me.  I think I forget this fact quite a bit. 

Now at this very moment when I'm feeling all of these things.....the doubt, the insecurity, the being alone, feeling like nobody understands me or the situation I'm in.....I HAVE to also think that there could be this tiny little miracle growing inside of me RIGHT NOW.  So in order to try to gain some comfort I need to snap out of it, and jump off the wagon of negativity and search for something positive.  I found a Pinterest board this morning that was a little helpful to me..... it helped to realize that I'm not the only one feeling this way at this very exact moment.  There are so many other women and couples out there trying to stay positive when they too also feel defeated.  
https://www.pinterest.com/resolve/infertility-support-and-inspiration-board/

I think I need to focus on the understanding that what we are going through is not easy, or an situation to be taken lightly.  There are so many things that I wasn't aware of or prepared for, but I'm trying to remain calm, level headed, and positive.....but some days I let my negative self get the best of me.  All I can try to do moving forward is to try a little harder in finding that my glass really is half full.