On Jan 23rd, 2019, we suffered a miscarriage at 10 1/2 weeks along. The loss was (and still is) devastating, It was our final chance at adding one more to our family, using our last two embryos during our 5th and final round of IVF. As the miscarriage was happening, I cried and prayed for God to change what was happening, but it was too late...our baby was already up there, playing with our other angels.
Here I am two months later, and I feel like I'm somewhat doing okay. When I'm not at work, I've tried filling my time with hobbies or projects to keep from "feeling". However, it's been hard to stay positive, focused, or just plain happy when life is still throwing cheap shots in my direction. My mind has unconsciously built a wall between then and now, only sometimes keeping the sadness from seeping through. I sometimes feel helpless, hopeless, numb, ashamed, and angry.....angry at God, angry at others who inflicted unwanted stress that led up to the loss. I blame them, I blame myself, I blame my body for being "broken". I feel like I've pushed the boundaries of infertility and got greedy to want one more child, and this was my punishment. I feel like little things like birthdays, holidays, and other days to celebrate are really nothing to look forward to anymore - just days stolen away from once being special, just like our babies due date. I feel sorry and sad for myself with each pregnancy announcement made, wishing it were my own. I feel like I constantly have to be strong for my son, and not allow him to see me sad or cry. I feel like he's the only reason I get out of bed each morning, or smile at all. He is the single most important thing in my life who happens to call me "Mom", and for that I'm beyond blessed.
Miscarriage and/or child loss is unbearably hard.....harder this time then I could have ever imagined, and overwhelming to overcome. I feel confused as to how long am I allowed to grieve.
So I invite you to give me advice....advice on how to heal.
Me In A Nutshell
My name is Kristina and I'm 37. Originally I'm a Southern CA girl, and I'm now living in the "burbs" of Chicago. I love my son, my husband, my family, my fur babies, and my wonderful friends. I love wine, love to relax, love to have a good time, I'm a little adventurous, love to people watch, and I'm always down for a last minute road trip to virtually anywhere. I'm obsessed with the smell of racing fuel...weird I know - and fresh cut grass! I love to be home, but hate to sit at the house. If I'm excited I get pretty random - sometimes I talk about multiple subjects at once - I'll admit it's probably hard to keep up. My husband and I battled infertility for 5 years before having a successful pregnancy - our son Colton Charles was born September 30th, 2016, Although we have had success with the birth of Colton, our battle still continues with infertility. I've learned it's a wonderful & beautiful thing to share with others the journey that we've walked in the world of infertility. Welcome to our story.