We were 10 1/2 weeks along when our miscarriage happened in the early hours of January 23rd. It's been 8 days now, and I still feel so empty. It's been a bit easier having Colton in our lives, but the fact that we lost another child has been utterly heartbreaking non the less.
I was on bed rest for a couple days due to bleeding. I was following doctors orders and taking it easy. The bleeding continued from about 7 weeks until the end, and would occur every few days without warning. I had a bleed the night of the 22nd, chat with the doctor who told me to rest, and went to bed early. Before I fell asleep, I used the heartbeat doppler to hear our sweet babies heart at approx. 830PM, I only fell asleep because hearing that sweet rhythm gave me peace of mind to sleep. I woke at about 2AM feeling uncomfortable and unable to go back to sleep....there was no pain, just lack of comfort. At approx. 330AM I got up to use the restroom, and that's when the unthinkable happened. Before I knew it, there was our child that belonged in my womb....in my hands. Our tiny little child had eyes, arms, legs, fingers, toes....a perfect little baby that no longer had life. I was in pure disbelief, I passed our child with little to no pain at all, how could this have happened? Why us - why again? I was at a loss for what to do - I certainly could not flush the fetus, I LOVE this child. I sat there hysterically crying, looking at this poor fetus that I once gave life to, and all I could do was apologize to our lifeless child. What did I do to cause this? What happened? I felt as though I wasn't thinking straight. After some time had passed, I was finally able to gain the courage to place the fetus into a ziplock bag, and then into a small Tiffany box to conceal the contents. I then sat in bed and waited for Colton to wake up. Once he was awake, I hugged him so tight and just cried. He kept saying "Mama sad" and hugged me over and over, this helped my heart more than I will ever know. I took Colton to daycare like nothing had happened, and then went directly to the doctor with the Tiffany box in my purse. I reluctantly gave my doctor the small blue box with the remains of a piece of my heart.
This was our final chance at adding another miracle to our family. I'm absolutely devastated and feel completely empty inside - not figuratively but physically empty. As a woman, carrying a child should be the most natural thing in the world, so when you feel like you can't do that properly, it's almost shameful.
For the past few days, I've been in a constant frenzy of purging all baby items. Everything we kept from when Colton was a baby in hopes of adding another miracle to our family, needs to go. I can't open a closet or go into a storage space in the house, and constantly be reminded of our loss. Besides beginning to purge baby items, I've been focusing on Colton's "big boy" room. We may not be able to create another nursery for a baby, but we can still create an amazing space for our amazing little miracle that does exist.
As our hearts begin to heal, we can't thank those enough who have reached out with so much love & support during this time - the meals, the flowers, the messages, all of the time spent just trying to keep our minds off of the sorrow for even just a few minutes......we can't thank you enough. We truly do have the most supportive family, friends, & neighbors.
Me In A Nutshell
My name is Kristina and I'm 37. Originally I'm a Southern CA girl, and I'm now living in the "burbs" of Chicago. I love my son, my husband, my family, my fur babies, and my wonderful friends. I love wine, love to relax, love to have a good time, I'm a little adventurous, love to people watch, and I'm always down for a last minute road trip to virtually anywhere. I'm obsessed with the smell of racing fuel...weird I know - and fresh cut grass! I love to be home, but hate to sit at the house. If I'm excited I get pretty random - sometimes I talk about multiple subjects at once - I'll admit it's probably hard to keep up. My husband and I battled infertility for 5 years before having a successful pregnancy - our son Colton Charles was born September 30th, 2016, Although we have had success with the birth of Colton, our battle still continues with infertility. I've learned it's a wonderful & beautiful thing to share with others the journey that we've walked in the world of infertility. Welcome to our story.