Thinking out loud today....

I'm beginning to be afraid......afraid of failure again.  Time has made things brutally honest for me in terms of the amount of time we've been trying over the years.  In the years we've been trying, we have had family and friends who have been pregnant and gave birth to little ones that are now celebrating up to their 4th birthdays.  I'm scared to watch these little ones grow even older before we're able to bring a little baby of our own into this world to love.  I'm not sure that some people, even friends or family of ours who are parents, will ever understand what emptiness comes along with this.  I would have loved to have been that person to get pregnant right away, and be on number 2 or 3 by now and growing our family to party of 4 or 5.  For us unfortunately we aren't so lucky yet.

Even though it's our first round of IVF, I think it has the absolute potential to knock me down emotionally if it's not successful.  I'm deathly afraid of this happening.  Even though I have my husband next to me walking this pathway, I don't want to feel alone as I did when losing babies to ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage again - I cannot go back to that dark alone place.  I need this to work....I'm desperate for it to work.  After over a years of trying, and 2 devastating losses, I need this to work.

Currently I'm on 3 types of injectable medication for this IVF round so far:  Menapur, Gonal F, & Ganirelix.  To say it's been easy since I started meds a week ago would be a lie.  It's been extremely tough for me physically and mentally.  I'm holding a smile still though and keeping my "eye on the prize" (as someone advised me to do).  Every day I have a doctor's appointment - every other day blood and ultrasound monitoring, and every other day acupuncture.  It's been hectic to say the least, but we're making the best of it.  I'm trying to keep my schedule outside of work and dr. appointments busy, to help time pass a little faster (or at least trick me into thinking that's what's happening).  Egg retrieval will likely be Dec. 5-7th, we should know more on Thursday and Friday after those dr. appointments of blood and ultrasound.

For those who have been a constant encouragement, we thank you tremendously.  Even if it's just a little positive text randomly, it helps to know that we're loved so much and surrounded by people who really care about us and what we're doing.  I've said it multiple times, we're truly blessed to have so many in our lives that have stood behind us through all of this - since our last miscarriage and even prior to that in our journey.  It's times like this that really show who is there for us.