What Matters

​I’m sure I don’t have to spell it out here….we’re all smart enough to know I’ll be able to have a ginormous glass of wine (or two), while indulging on the finale of the Bachelorette after Colton goes to bed tonight.  I’m thankful for my son (more then anyone will EVER know), but I’m still grieving the loss of two more embryos.  I don’t think that many people will ever understand that, but I’m putting it out there anyway.
As a mother, you want to give your child everything.  I want my son to have a sibling.  He may not consider that the same caliber gift as a bike, toy truck, or a new pair of shoes (he’s obsessed with shoes), but I’m thinking about long term here.  I realize I can’t guarantee a close sibling relationship, but I want to provide my son with that person who will know him always, the one  who understands  what it was like to grow up in his home, the one who’s still there when we’re gone.  I know it’s morbid to think about, but I don’t want to leave him alone if anything should happen to my husband and me.  I know he will have extended family, good friends, and someone to love, but as a mom I want insurance!  Call me crazy or laugh in my face, but I’d also like to experience raising siblings.  I imagine it’s hard – much harder then what I’m doing now, but that’s my “Everest”.  I want to take on the challenge of the schedules, the sharing, and the “it’s not fair”.  I want to see how different or similar my kids would be.  I want the messy and the dirty, I want it all.  Are you listening uterus of mine?
One of the unique struggles of secondary infertility is that I know in time, if I must, learn to accept the dream of a sibling for Colton not happening.  It does help that the one kid we have is pretty incredible.  We are lucky.  We are grateful.  I want to experience that miracle again.  Is that so greedy of me?  Coming to terms with the fact that this entire situation is out of my control has been extremely difficult.  Sometimes things in life happen that aren’t fair, and that’s all there is to it.  It doesn’t make me feel better but it’s the truth.  Life is not fair – can I get an AMEN?
To all the prayers, positive vibes, and encouragement - THANK YOU!  It all helps more then you know.  My heart is very deep with love for everyone in regards.