Lyrics of a Coldplay song.....I cry every time I hear it. For some strange reason the song always seems to come onto the radio during the times in my life where I've lost something irreplaceable. The title is "Fix You", I can't imagine what or who could fix this loss in our life, but it certainly is a wonderful thought to have someone pick up all the broken pieces and put it all back together as if it were just one happy story that never fell apart. I officially miscarried our precious angel that I grew to become so attached to in just a few weeks. I always thought that when miscarriage occurs that the physical pain lasts for one day or two at most, well let me tell you I was wrong in thinking that. On average 1 week physical pain occurs (although it can last up to 3 weeks), and I am here to say today is day 8 and I'm finally physically starting to feel better. The pain continues to remind me of what we've lost, brings tears to my eyes daily. It's getting a little easier with each day that passes, and I find it easier to talk about it now which is why I'm finally back to blogging today. I've come to the realization that this pregnancy just wasn't meant to happen, although the question as to "why" still lingers in my mind and likely always will. The emotional portion of it will remain within in me forever.
As we move forward on our journey of infertility, we've possibly decided that IVF is the next step to take. We've had 10 IUI's done, so it seems logical to move to the next step. The thought of IVF is frightening......going out on a limb and spending $14-20K for a possibility is a hard thing to wrap our mind around. The end result is what matters though, and "if" IVF can supply our dream to us, then the money means nothing and it becomes all worth it. The pain of what we've endured thus far will remain, but the material portion of it doesn't exist in a world of achievement. We have an appointment this afternoon with our fertility doctor to discuss what our next steps will be (she's been hounding us to take the IVF route since after IUI #7). I'm hoping we leave with questions answered and a positive attitude of where we're going from here on our journey. I feel like today there's a possibility that a door may open and bring a whole new positive aspect to the road we will travel from today. I just hope that if we chose IVF, I can keep the financial thought of it aside and not let it get in the way by stressing me out. In the past with each IUI cycle we've had, the thought of the amount of money we were spending out of pocket clouded my mind and stressed me out tremendously (during IUI #1-6). This last round of IUI's (#7-10) I did much better not worrying about the financial standpoint of it and I felt better about myself for not thinking about it.
I just wanted to thank everyone again for all their thoughts, prayers, thoughtful gifts, and supportive messages. We're so blessed to have all of you in our lives. And to 3 people during the worst of times who reached out to check on me constantly, I'd like to share a special thank you:
***To my "Toe Cramp" - You were there from the very start and I'm not sure emotionally how I would have been without you throughout it all. You were able to walk me through the entire process and I'm so very grateful for that. Although you weren't physically here with me, you held my hand through each hour and I can't thank you enough for all of it. Thank you so much for reaching out and being there for me.
***To my "Ish"- I can't thank you enough for constantly checking in on me, asking if there's anything you can bring me, or to even offer to come and sit with me. The thought that you had asked constantly made me feel like I had someone there even though I was physically alone (and if I could do it again I'd except the offer, because doing it all alone was not a great choice). Just know I appreciate you.
Where does our journey from here go? I hope that we ourselves know soon. I do know that what we've experienced thus far is extremely emotional and physically stressful and painful, however I don't want to stop here and just give up. I want to move forward keeping what we've struggled with in our hearts, but to also hold our heads up high and still believe that our miracle is a dream that we'll grasp one day - hopefully soon.
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Me In A Nutshell
My name is Kristina and I'm 37. Originally I'm a Southern CA girl, and I'm now living in the "burbs" of Chicago. I love my son, my husband, my family, my fur babies, and my wonderful friends. I love wine, love to relax, love to have a good time, I'm a little adventurous, love to people watch, and I'm always down for a last minute road trip to virtually anywhere. I'm obsessed with the smell of racing fuel...weird I know - and fresh cut grass! I love to be home, but hate to sit at the house. If I'm excited I get pretty random - sometimes I talk about multiple subjects at once - I'll admit it's probably hard to keep up. My husband and I battled infertility for 5 years before having a successful pregnancy - our son Colton Charles was born September 30th, 2016, Although we have had success with the birth of Colton, our battle still continues with infertility. I've learned it's a wonderful & beautiful thing to share with others the journey that we've walked in the world of infertility. Welcome to our story.