On Wednesday February 10th sometime, we'll officially be "PUPO" for our TWW (pregnant until proven otherwise).  I'm excited, but at the same time I'm scared of being let down again.  We've been through the negative tests time and time again, we've been through the ectopic, we've been through the miscarriage, but an IVF embryo transfer we have not yet experienced.  This is a little miracle already an equal portion of us both, and I don't know how I'll feel to not have this little tiny piece of us not survive.  We will only be putting one embryo in on Wednesday, and nothing is a guarantee in this process.  I'm trying to remain calm and most importantly trying not to stress over what's to come, but I also see myself going into the mode where I'm emotionally beginning to protect my heart for future disappointment.  When people talk about infertility being an emotional roller coaster, I'm not quite sure that that statement actually begins to describe the process....it's only a fraction of the description in my own opinion.  
All I can ask for now is another miracle, and hope that all the stars will finally aline for us in this journey.
  

I can't believe that today is the day, but I finally start my IVF stimulation medication today!  I've never been so excited to start my period as I was this past saturday, let alone get to stick myself in the stomach with a syringe full of medication tonight.  As odd as that sounds.....I think you'd have to be in my shoes to actually know how how exciting this really is.  As of right now, everything has been paid in full - the entire IVF cycle as well as medication.  The only thing left to pay for is just the freezing and storage of any left over embryos.  I'm thrilled the time is finally here, and I cannot thank each and every single person who has helped us out financially and emotionally over the last few months to help us get this far after all our heartache prior to this.
I have meds each night from tonight until Thursday night (Turkey Day), and then go in for blood and ultrasound on Friday AM.  I'll know more on Friday of where to go from there, but I'm assuming it's much like an IUI cycle where they will continue me on the same medication (possibly add more), and bring me back on Monday of next week for blood and ultrasound again.  If it's much like an IUI cycle, then I'd assume egg retrieval late next week?  I guess I will have to wait and see.  SO EXCITED! 
Keep us in your thoughts and prayers......we're hoping for a baby Shuput out of this cycle, and we're putting all our emotions on line hoping that it comes true! 
Update again soon! XO

If you happen to see some teal ribbons this month and are curious as to what they're representing, well September is PCOS Awareness Month - support!  Below is a brief description of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS that I found to help gain some understanding:

PCOS is an incurable disorder that affects over 10 million women worldwide and about 1/2 don't even know that they have it.  It is the most common endocrine cause of infertility and serious weight gain in women.  The more than 50% that do not know they have PCOS are in danger of Diabetes or Pre-Diabetes, Risk of Heart Attack is 4-7x higher, High Blood Pressure, High Cholesterol, Endometrial Cancer, Increased Risk of Breast Cancer and Heart Disease. 

Facts of PCOS (I cut this list a little short and stuck to some main facts):
1. Women with PCOS have higher rates of anxiety and depression than women without the syndrome.
2. Worldwide, PCOS affects 6% to 10% of women, making it the most common endocrinopathy in women of childbearing age.
3. Elevated insulin or insulin resistance are not part of the diagnostic criteria for PCOS but are seen in the majority of women with PCOS. 
4. The diagnotic criteria for PCOS states that a women has PCOS if she has at least 2 of the following 3 criteria: a. Irregular or absent periods, b. blood tests or physical signs that show high androgens, c. Polycystic ovaries
5.The United States spends an estimated $4 billion annually to identify and manage PCOS.
6. Women with PCOS are at a higher risk of developing obstructive sleep apnea due to the influence of androgens affecting sleep receptors in the brain. 
7. Women with PCOS can have monthly menstrual cycles and still have PCOS. 
8. Despite its name, not all women with PCOS actually have cysts on their ovaries. 
9. PCOS is the most common cause of ovulatory infertility. 
10. The cysts typically seen in PCOS are actually the result of a hormonal imbalance, not the cause of the syndrome. 
11. One of the earliest signs of elevated androgens in adolescents with PCOS is acne. 
12. The prevalence of type 2 diabetes in women with PCOS at middle age is 6.8 times higher than that of the general female population. 
13. Women with PCOS have a higher incidence of gestational diabetes, miscarriages, preterm deliveries, and stillbirths. 
14. It is estimated that 50-70% of women with PCOS have insulin resistance. 
15. If left untreated, PCOS can lead to numerous chronic diseases such as type 2 diabetes and heart disease. With treatment, these conditions can be prevented.

I have not been diagnosed with PCOS, however my infertility doctor has told me that my body has PCOS tendencies.  This means that my body has some characteristics of the disorder even though I have not been diagnosed with it.  My acupuncture doctor also treats me as a PCOS patient, again even though I have not been diagnosed with it.

I can't tell you how many stories that I read of women who are affected by this disorder, and the pain of infertility that it causes them - it breaks my heart.  Please keep these women in your thoughts in prayers not only this month but always.  Also think about the friends or family members that may be struggling with this disorder.....the number affected by this disorder are staggering, and it's likely you know someone with it.  1 out of every 10 women.....that's a very large number!

So it's been 6 days since we've been informed that we will miscarry, however our choice to naturally miscarry has not yet happened.  I'm feeling myself become more and more overwhelmed with being technically pregnant and knowing that there's no life there.  Each day that passes is becoming harder and harder, even more so then when we delivered the heart wrenching news.  I'm beginning to lean towards taking the pills to chemically bring on a miscarriage so it will be over with, and the thought of this devastates me.  I'd like for it to happen naturally and not as though I am physically making it happen myself.  I've been reading a lot about how to survive emotionally after a miscarriage, in hopes that I can go back to being normal.  It's tough to put on my fake smile and not show the world that I'm crumbling inside.  I came across an article that I thought was fairly useful in coming to terms with things:  "Allowing yourself to grieve the loss can help you come to accept it over time".  

There was also a list of the grief process and what should be expected:
1.  Shock/Denial:  "This isn't really happening; I've been taking good care of myself"
2.  Anger/Guilt/Depression: "Why me?" "If I would have...." "I've always wanted a baby so bad, this isn't fair." "I feel sadness in my life now more then ever."
3.  Acceptance: “I have to deal with it, I’m not the only one who has experienced this. Other women have made it through this, maybe I should get some help.”

Each step takes longer to go through than the previous one. There are unexpected and sometimes anticipated triggers that lead to setbacks.  Examples of potential triggers include: baby showers, birth experience stories, new babies, OB/GYN office visits, nursing mothers, thoughtless comments, holidays, and family reunions.

I've also been thinking about what the future holds for us in terms of "trying" any further.  I've been wanting to give up on the IUI process for a while now, but the thought of IVF and $14-20K is too much to swallow for another "what if".  I have thoughts about giving up often, but know deep down I'm not ready to give up.  I know people who have given up and we're not ready to do that. That may be their plan, but it's certainly not ours.  We will survive this, it's just how we handle it and where we go from here that determines the rest of our journey.

I wanted to start this page to share the positive things about my journey....but to also share my whole story which is also full of doubt, insecurity, & emotion.  Infertility is full of so many ups and downs, a true roller coaster of emotions is the easiest way to explain it.  I wouldn't be "real" if I didn't share everything I felt, even on the worst of days.  

I'm finding it extremely hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel the past couple days.  I'm not sure what's going on, but I just can't seem to find that my glass is half full.  I'm starting to feel like nobody understands me, nobody knows what I'm going through, and no matter how much I explain what I'm feeling (until I'm blue in the face and tears are streaming down my cheeks) nobody really gets me.  Even though I'm physically not alone, I feel so alone......stranded on this island and there's no hope of survival on it.  It's starting to make me wonder if I'll always feel this way, if I'll always have to have the fake smile like internally nothing is wrong.  Then I realize.....this months cycle is finally taking it's toll on me, and I'm beginning to wonder if we'll ever be blessed with the one thing we're trying to achieve here, or if we're spending all this time, money, and emotion on false hope.  This wednesday is the day when we find out if our latest fertility cycle has worked or not, and I'm trying with all that I can to not feel that we're out yet again, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't.  Nobody wants to get their hopes up to have the door slammed in their face yet again.  This is all odd because last week I was so optimistic, I felt grounded, I felt like good things were happening.  This week I feel as though that the rug I was standing on was ripped right out beneath me as if it were an illusion all along.....as if it were never there to begin with and I'm being told I'm crazy to think it ever was.  

I read an article about another couple struggling infertility, and the wife wrote her husband a letter where she states to him, "I feel like we are in the same boat, but I am doing all of the rowing while you are enjoying the scenery.  Or I am the one on the front lines taking all of the hits and when I turn around to look for you, I see you standing there, just hanging back, cleaning your gun and not worrying about all of the bullets flying through the air.  It is as if we are in a burning house together. And the two of us are running in different directions, bumping and tripping into each other.  I’m screaming to hurry and get out, while you stop to make a sandwich and sip on a tall glass of tea."  This article in it's entirety hit me pretty hard.  I thought to myself, "Thank goodness I'm not the only one that feels this way.....".  Even though I'm not alone, the fact of the matter is that I do feel alone sometimes during my cycle, especially towards the end.  Like I'm ashamed of admitting that my doubt is overcoming me, and I feel like I can't tell a soul that I'm giving in to the fact that another cycle is approaching us and I'm going to have to begin this all over again.  It's like a slow moving rickety carnival ride that I'm not allowed to get off of, just hang on and go another time around while my husband is standing on the sidelines waving as I go by.  It's hard to grasp that even though I'm the one with all of the doctor appointments, the needles, the probes, the conversations full of the tone of voice from the nurse that feels sorry for me delivering constant bad news month after month......that my spouse is going through this with me.  I think I forget this fact quite a bit. 

Now at this very moment when I'm feeling all of these things.....the doubt, the insecurity, the being alone, feeling like nobody understands me or the situation I'm in.....I HAVE to also think that there could be this tiny little miracle growing inside of me RIGHT NOW.  So in order to try to gain some comfort I need to snap out of it, and jump off the wagon of negativity and search for something positive.  I found a Pinterest board this morning that was a little helpful to me..... it helped to realize that I'm not the only one feeling this way at this very exact moment.  There are so many other women and couples out there trying to stay positive when they too also feel defeated.  
https://www.pinterest.com/resolve/infertility-support-and-inspiration-board/

I think I need to focus on the understanding that what we are going through is not easy, or an situation to be taken lightly.  There are so many things that I wasn't aware of or prepared for, but I'm trying to remain calm, level headed, and positive.....but some days I let my negative self get the best of me.  All I can try to do moving forward is to try a little harder in finding that my glass really is half full.

I thought about this for quite sometime before I actually made the decision to begin to type this entry.  I came across an article that seemed to hit the nail right on the head on the topic.  There's no easy way to try to explain the emotions when someone who's never walked in your shoes begins to give you advice.  Family, friends, & acquaintances all have questions, comments, & opinions.....and I sometimes find myself nodding and fake smiling at the things that they say - wishing that the conversation would just be over already.  I mean....I get it, most of the time what they say aren't meant to be hurtful or malicious.  I'm bringing this up mainly because it's something that most infertile beings struggle with when we share our own story.  I guarantee if you're a person struggling with infertility, you have had the moment where someone makes a comment that makes you cringe inside, makes your head want to explode, and you begin to think how ignorant they are for saying it.  You instead politely try to smile and nod your head, but they don't fully understand the impact that it's having on you.  Those awkward moments seem to add up at a rate that compares to the nations deficit....well maybe not that quick, but you get the point.

One thing that fertile beings need to understand about people who struggle with infertility, is that they've become a little bit more soft inside....a little bit more sensitive.  This can be because of so many issues.....the additional hormones one is taking, the negative result at the end of a cycle as months or even years go on, the shame that they put on themselves because they can't fulfill the one thing that they want so bad - to give their spouse a child.  Let's not forget the wear and tear that it takes on our emotions, our body, and our bank accounts.  

Let's share some examples of what I'm talking about:

“You need to relax. All that stressing is causing your infertility.”
Everyday stress does not cause infertility. A large study published looked at 3,000 women, from 10 different countries, found that high levels of emotional distress before a treatment cycle did not negatively affect the outcome. In other words, feeling stressed out doesn’t prevent your infertile friend from getting pregnant. You may also want to consider what came first – the stress or the infertility. Your infertile friend probably wasn’t stressed out about getting pregnant until she discovered it wasn’t happening the way it should.

“But you’re so young! You have plenty of time to get pregnant.”
Not always so. Being young doesn’t make you immune to infertility, and time is not always on your side. While being younger usually increases the chances of fertility treatment success, it doesn’t always, and it never guarantees success.  Know the facts. It’s recommended that women under 35 see a fertility specialist after being unable to conceive for one year. 

“Whatever you do, don’t give up. It’ll happen.”
I know this seems like a reassuring thing to say, but unfortunately it isn’t. One problem with this is it makes it sound inevitable that things will work out in the end. The truth is they may not. Being told, “Don’t worry, it’ll happen,” tends to be translated internally as, “Stop complaining because it’s not a big deal anyway.” The other problem with this statement is it implies “giving up” isn’t an option. But deciding to stop treatment, or even deciding not to pursue treatments at all, is sometimes exactly what a couple needs to do.

“Just adopt!”
Adoption can be a wonderful option for some couple, but it’s not a decision that should be made lightly. Suggesting adoption in a flippant way ignores the financial and emotional costs of adoption. Also, adoption is not always possible. There’s an application and approval process to adopt a child, and not everyone who wants to adopt will pass the screening process. Also, adoption doesn’t take away the pain of being unable to have a biological child, so offering the option as a comfort doesn’t usually go well. Adoption doesn’t replace having biological children, but is instead another way to build a family.

“Trust me, you’re lucky you don’t have kids!”
Infertile couples aren’t clueless. Who hasn’t been seated at a restaurant next to a loud, messy family? Or endured a long plane ride next to a screaming baby?  We know babies cry and puke. We know children are messy and loud. We know our lives will change drastically when we have kids. Please don’t downplay our loss by making your blessing sound more like a curse.

“Maybe you’re not meant to be parents.”
This one’s my personal favorite – it really hurts, but if this were true, then how can anyone explain why truly bad and even abusive parents manage to have children? Being qualified for the job is clearly not required. No one knows why bad things happen to good people. Please don’t play God by telling us why we haven’t conceived.


Take these things into consideration as well:

1. Don't tell them to relax. Comments such as "just relax" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
2. Don't minimize the problem. Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. 
3. Don't say there are worse things that could happen. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Different people react to different life experiences in different ways.
4. Don't ask why they are not trying IVF. Because most insurance plans do not cover IVF treatment, many are unable to pay for the out-of-pocket expenses. Infertility stress is physical, emotional, and financial.
5. Don't complain about your pregnancy (or children for that matter). For many facing infertility, it can be hard to be around other women who are pregnant. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Not complaining can make things a little easier for your friend. 
6. Don’t assume the infertility is female factor. 1/3 of infertility is female factor, 1/3 is male factor, and 1/3 is unexplained.

Now, after all of that.....I want to explain something further.  Please know that I'm not broken, I'm not an emotional wreck (all the time), and nobody should have to feel like walking on egg shells around me when the topic comes up - after all I like to share my journey.  All of the above doesn't mean that you can't ask me questions or give comments and/or opinions.  I'm just trying to educate those that don't know.....these things aren't easy to hear and certainly don't help my situation at all.  I'm simply just trying to create a family of my own, and unfortunately it's not happening as easy as it does for others, and that alone is enough emotional stress then one needs.  Please know that when you have good news of a pregnancy, a birth, or even sweet stories about your little ones - I do love to hear these things.  However I can't help my own emotions inside, & asking the higher being above us all "why not me?" at the same time.  I can only ask for you to try to imagine yourself in my shoes as tough as that may be.  Emotional times do happen....and sometimes I may lose grip on what the point of this journey for me may be, but I'm not walking it alone.